numbers

I turn 26 tomorrow. Lost hopes and broken dreams, will I ever dance with you again?

oh, finally! a purpose for the blog!

I've always known this blog would come to use someday, and for today it's to track my list of serious ailments, doctors and treatments, just in case I forget:

Bipolar disorder: Dr Yen Teck Hoe (treatment still at varying stage after more than a year)
Cervical spondylosis: Dr JK Lee (Methylcobal & Arcoxia)
Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome: Dr Kim Wong (Yaz - birth control)
Acne: Dr Rokiah (Tetracycline)
Irritable Bowel Syndrome: Dr Goh Khean Lee (treatment yet to begin)
Suspected Tinnitus: Dr Gopala (hearing test on Friday)

Other supplements I take: Omega Fish Oil and good bacteria

bone growth

I read through my old blog posts (which I didn't transfer to this blog) and realised that I used to be smarter, stronger and wiser. Whatever happened to that person, nobody really knows.

Just to add insult to injury, I woke up yesterday with a bad arm ache. I thought I had slept on it, but the pain radiated all through my spine and up until my neck as well. Finally decided to go to Assunta Hospital to get it checked out, and an X-ray showed that I had bone growth on my neck causing it to poke on my nerves, thus hurting me. They sent me home with painkillers and an appointment with an orthopedic on Monday. About treatment, they'll try medication first, but if that doesn't work, surgery has to be the option.

I feel like everyday something bad happens. I'm starting to feel very jinxed. I just don't understand why my body can't take many things other people can take.

As for my acne, I went to see another specialist on Friday. I hope it works this time; I want glowing skin by September. I will reveal why soon enough :).

an empty shell

For many years, I thought what I had was simply inferiority complex, or low self-esteem. Even when the doctors started naming my condition, I was still in denial. It didn't make it feel any better, knowing what I have.

Let me tell you how time could easily be wasted. I spent 7 months of my life not doing anything. It didn't quite hit me how badly it was until I started realising that American Idol was down to its Top 4 contestants, people around me were starting to move at a desired pace, shows after shows came and went.

I have lost passion for anything. I know it may just be a down phase, but how long this will last I'm not sure. All I know is I don't know how I can ever recover from this condition, how long I will be on medications, or how many more days I have to count from now until the day I am alright again.

Friends around me have conquered their Master's degree, went on to doing their PhD. Some have left the country and came back with greater qualifications and experiences. Some have done great in performances after performances. And I simply have no motivation to do anything. I have not auditioned for anything. I have not shown interest in anything. I've tried candle making, I've tried cooking, I've tried simply watching TV. Nothing intrigues me. Nothing. Zilch.

I am just an empty shell, lonely and depressed. Please tell me this would end somehow.

diane 35

right now i don't know for sure what is causing my severe bloating, but i am willing to try anything. current step is to visit a gynaecologist, and she has prescribed me with diane 35, as a treatment for polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS). took a blood test today, and the results will be out in a week to confirm whether i have PCOS or not. diane 35 is basically an oral contraceptive pill, also used to treat acne. so i'm hoping if it doesn't work on my bloating, at least it will help clear up my skin. i still believe what i'm having is strictly hormonal, because for 24 years of my life i had beautiful skin, and all of a sudden in my adult life, i was hit hard with acne, bloating, and weight gain. even depression came back with a force.

i also took a test for thyroid, suspecting myself of having hypothyroidism. like i said, i'm willing to try anything at this point. perhaps my next step if diane 35 doesn't work is to try a food allergy test. there have also been suggestions online that i should try a low-carb diet.

pray with me, and pray for me that this works. i've been struggling with bloating for so long i've begun to lose self-confidence.

rainbow

finding a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow - that's like finding something good beneath something beautiful. life, however, is not like that at all. i've been down, really down, hyper at some moments, but mostly down. i stopped taking herbalife due to my doctor's advice, so now losing weight is my own battle. own, but not only. there are plenty of battles to hopefully win, because if i don't, i may well lose my mind if it was there to begin with.

maybe i try too hard to justify many many things in my life, because i feel like i need to be heard. sometimes it's just so hard to swallow the bitter medicine, and move on and forget about the past. but when the past surely hurt, it continues to hurt. it's like holding a knife on the sharp edge when passing it to someone else - there's always a chance of accidentally cutting yourself. but you do so to protect others. and some of the people i love and have loved - i have loved and love madly.

i went to the gynecologist today to get my bloating checked out. i've been seeing a gastroentrologist for the past (almost) two years, to no avail. the bloating is getting so bad i tend to hide myself either in loose baggy clothing, or in my house. it makes me indecisive - one moment i'd feel like going out, the next my confidence gets a huge stab from the back. i look five months pregnant, and i cannot imagine what would happen if i really got pregnant one day. how will i look?

the gynecologist checked me with an ultrasound and confirmed that there are no fibroids or ovarian cysts. however, i may have a condition known as Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). we need to run a blood test on my second day of period to confirm. that may explain the weight gain, acne and several other symptoms i'm experiencing. however, i don't know how the bloating can be solved. i'm getting desperate, so please leave a comment or send me an e-mail if you have any suggestions.

it's a time of decisions, and i pray i'm making the right decisions and never to regret them later. i wish to live, not simply survive.

sometimes i get so tired of all these.

lost

i've been on medications so long that i've become delusional. nothing seems to be enjoyable anymore. i'm trying to lose weight but i have no motivation. this feels crap. i feel down. i feel so down. i don't know what to do anymore.

broken dreams

i blame you for stopping me from being a lawyer.
i blame you.
and it hurts.
it hurts so bad.

first herbalife shake

First evening on Herbalife. I must admit, it tastes horrible. But I do hope it works in helping me shake off the excess weight, and that we'll have to wait and see. Six months of these shakes, and I surely hope they work on helping me lose and maintain my weight.

everyday is a struggle

Everyday is a struggle.
A struggle to sleep.
A struggle to get up.
A struggle to breathe.
A struggle to live.

But I'm still alive today, and that must mean something.

The struggle must be worth it, somehow.

what do i say?

What do I talk about, really. My mind's at a billion places at the same time. Today, after watching "Valentine's Day", I stepped out of the cinema and instantly it hit. It's hard to explain how it feels; it's sort of a high, but not in a good way. You feel stoned and nothing you do can unravel that knot in your stomach.

I sometimes ask myself why this disease chose me. But I stop myself before daring to wonder further because I know people who are suffering from worse things than I am. And yet people remain so strong. I just don't understand why this disease can be so demobilising. Some days I just want to crawl in bed and not do anything. The house is a mess; I haven't had the energy to clean it up. I hate it when it's messy, and it just aggravates the situation.

So what do I talk about, really? I go on and on about the same things that I've become so tired of who I am. I need to go out, meet new people, and yet I feel socially anxious around people at times. I'm a Libran, I love people. But nowadays I'm just afraid of people. What if they judge me? What if they think I'm too crazy? Or what if they think I'm too passive? Bipolar does that to you. Ups and downs. I'm literally driven crazy and up the wall with this stupid disease. And the fact that it's all in my mind makes it even harder for me to explain why I act the way I do.

But most of the time I'm just stoned. I choose to phase out when I feel like I'm not needed. Sometimes my brain just leaves me, says bye bye and doesn't even want to come back when I beckon. How is this doing any good to me? I simply do not know what to do. Are the medications working? Even if they aren't, I have to pretend that they do, just so people would stop worrying about me. I know two people who truly do. And I don't want to hurt them.

Life is easy... if I know how to live it. But I simply don't.

And on another note, I wish you Happy Chinese New Year and Happy Belated Valentine's Day!

explanation overdue

Maybe I just want to tell a story. Maybe I'd be more comfortable naming this other person some other name, just for the story's sake. Let's call her Cindy. What happened to Cindy on New Year's Eve, some may ask. So here's what really happened.

Cindy wanted to be happy. Cindy desperately wanted to be happy. It was New Year's Eve after a horrible year, and she wanted to be happy. So she locked herself in the room and cried buckets, while thinking of what she could do to be happy. She saw the bottle of lithium lying next to her bed, and thought, "Well, maybe this is a miracle pill." See, you have to forgive Cindy; she can get delusional thanks to the disorder she suffers from. So she took a miracle pill wanting to feel better. When it didn't work, she got frustrated and swallowed more than half the bottle. It hit her quick; she instantly felt woozy and decided to lie down. She went in and out of consciousness, until the door opened and in came her fiance who made her throw up.

The next thing she remembered was when she arrived at the hospital. She could walk again, so she suspected she had vomited most of it anyway. But she stayed anyway, and got her stomach flushed out (which was a horrible experience), and subsequently sent to the psychiatric ward.

Many people thought Cindy tried to kill herself, but in a way, Cindy didn't. Cindy just wanted to feel better, but when she didn't, she thought death was the best way to solve everything. And then she sent messages to some close friends about her intention. Maybe because she didn't really want to die. Maybe she just wanted help. Maybe she just wanted to be understood.

But in the end, the only one who truly understands remains to be her shadow.

frustration

frustrating frustrating frustrating. looking at old pics of myself and i realise how fat i've become. i don't even know who i am anymore when i look into the mirror and see my own reflection. i don't understand; how can someone just gain so much weight all of a sudden and can't shake it loose? i feel fat and horrible.

alone

It's honestly starting to get a little boring staying at home. Sure, I may be working from home but the problem is that I don't get to go out and see things or people. I enjoy working from home, but I guess I can understand why some people prefer working out of home. If I have a friend around the house all the time, it may be different, but for now, I'm mainly alone at home most of the time while JJ goes out to work. So I hope to score a second job starting March. I'm starting slow, I don't think I can go back to the working world with a bang.

Inferiority complex is starting to get to me. I suffer from extremely low self-esteem these days, and it doesn't help that the medications make me put on weight. My acne has also gotten worse which makes my condition worse. I'm currently trying alcohol swabs on my acne; hopefully they'll work. Some say it's too harsh, but I have no choice because nothing else is working. I've even tried Accutane and although it helped clear my skin, it also made me depressed (though I can't directly blame Accutane since I've been suffering from depression since young). It probably triggered it, if anything.

I'm trying to get my lines down, but my memory has been affected by the medications and nowadays it takes me longer to get my lines down. It's also hard for me to remember the small little things, but I'm getting better these days so I'm staying positive.

I just wish I had a close friend to talk to sometimes. It's starting to feel lonely and it's extremely overwhelming. Besides JJ and my mum, I really have no one else to talk to. And since they have teaching jobs, I'm pretty much left alone while they go off to work. The TV and the Internet can only do so much. I think I really need another job, and soon, before I lose my mind. But then again, it worries me because I'm not sure if I can handle another job.

Why am I so indecisive? I wish I could stop being so negative about things. I need to buy some confidence. I wish they were up for sale online.

report: jan 30th 2010

I want to believe that I'm on my way to recovery. Had a meeting with the psychiatrist on Thursday, and he wanted to know how I was feeling so I told him that I was feeling too "flat". He explained that I had perhaps finally reached a sense of normalcy (though normalcy may be overrated) but that I was reacting the way I was because I was so used to the ups and downs to consider that "normal".

So all in all, I'm finally normal. *claps*

But on a serious note, I was quite desperate to feel the way I used to, because I feel along with mania, for example, came creativity and anger and passion, and with depression came loneliness, sadness and guilt. I needed to feel all those to live; without them I felt like I was simply surviving and empty.

So he toggled with the medications a little, and hopefully I could feel a little on the "high" side. I don't know if it's working, but I did wake up yesterday feeling a little anxious and today I had need for less sleep (signs of mania). But I wouldn't call this mania at all, not even close to hypomania.

But what I do know is that I'm on my way to recovery. And this is probably one of the most positive moments in the history of my life. So why do I feel so empty?

I realise while browsing through Jobstreet.com yesterday that if I had to get a corporate job, the only corporate job that would make me happy was if I could be a lawyer. I abandoned my law plans when I hit depression, and now I'm thinking of going back. Money is of course, an issue, but I hope I could find a way to work things out. In the meantime, the best course of action for me is to stay home and work until I feel much better. So writing it is then. And I may start teaching again in March.

I wanted to do an overall report, so in the case of my bloating, I'm getting worse these days. I took a fiber drink last night and I hope it's going to work. In any case, I'm going to take on Herbalife which I've heard good reviews of. It'll also help in my weight management which is going out the window these days (the good news is I haven't been bulimic for at least a month now). Wish me luck!

subdued

i've actually been pretty normal these days. not too hyper not too low. i don't know if it's a good feeling; i feel subdued. sometimes i wish i could go off medications, they somehow inhibit my creativity and memory. but i know disaster would happen if i did. i wonder if i could be properly cured, yet i appreciate the downs, because with the downs come the highs, and i haven't had any episode of real high since... i don't know, christmas? ever since then i've been riding on the middle line.

i'm not sure what to do. a part of me wants to be normal, but a part of me actually loves me for who i am, despite the highs and lows.

dreams

Stomach's hurting, I think most likely due to aggravation or unbalance in acidity or something. It's gurgling, and I need food desperately. Pizza's slated to arrive in 45 minutes. But most importantly, I'm bloated again. Doesn't my stomach get tired of bloating everyday? How odd.

This series of illnesses have robbed me of my self-confidence and self-esteem. Recently, I am reduced to a person who's afraid of almost everything. I feel like I've fewer friends now, but it's great to know at least that the few friends I have left most likely love me for who I am. But then again I don't know. I can only dream.

Dreams hurt sometimes.

And then I wake up and it hurts even more.

superpowers

If I could be blessed with ONE power, I would opt for the power to heal others and myself, physically and emotionally.

On another note, sometimes I truly believe I can fly. But then I'd be selfish.

90210

I'm sitting here watching 90210 Season 2 and my mind is traveling a billion places. I started hearing voices again. It's a random knock or two, saying my name gently, behind closed doors. I open them and find nothing. Nothing.

I feel like tears do nothing for me anymore. I battle self-injury in a different way; so I get piercings. I find they help me immensely, and I don't care what people say.

But I do. I do. And I just feel all empty inside all the time. And the quietness all around me just disappear.

i can't...

... live like this. one day i want something, the next i just don't want it anymore. one morning i wake up and i'm fine, the next i'm not.

i

can't

do

this

anymore

.

what is bipolar disorder?

It might actually be time to consult my doctor again; this is my fourth sleepless night. I went to bed around 10ish, and slipped in and out of sleep, until I couldn't take it anymore and just woke up around 4 and haven't gone back to bed since then (it is now 6am).

Anyway, I've had some people asking me about bipolar disorder recently, and I would like to share some information about what bipolar disorder is, and some ways to cope (which, as my blog chronicles, I'm still learning). Taken off the US National Institute of Mental Health:

What is Bipolar Disorder?

Bipolar Disorder, also known as manic-depressive illness, is a serious medical illness that causes shifts in a person's mood, energy, and ability to function. Different from the normal ups and downs that everyone goes through, the symptoms of bipolar disorder are severe.

Signs & Symptoms

Bipolar disorder causes dramatic mood swings from overly "high" and/or irritable to sad and hopeless, and then back again, often with periods of normal mood in between. Severe changes in energy and behavior go along with these changes in mood. The periods of highs and lows are called episodes of mania and depression.

PERSONAL NOTE: There are many other signs and symptoms involved; if you think you suffer from bipolar disorder, kindly contact a trusted psychiatrist who can help diagnose you correctly. Also kindly note that the correct diagnosis may take time, even now my doctor is reluctant to place a name for my condition, although I am on medications for bipolar symptoms. Talk with your doctor, as sometimes it is best to treat the symptoms than a "disease" in particular when it comes to mental illness.

Treatment

Most people with bipolar disorder can achieve substantial stabilization of their mood swings and related symptoms over time with proper treatment. A strategy that combines medication and psychosocial treatment is optimal for managing the disorder over time.

PERSONAL NOTE: I personally think that several coping mechanisms help when it comes to bipolar disorder.

1) The "Ups" or mania
As this can be characterised from extreme changes such as being overly happy or easily agitated, breathing exercises may help. I still get irritated easily when I get manic, but I've learned to count from one to ten whenever I have those flares. I've also learned to ignore the "voices" and to get on with the programme whenever possible. Allowing myself to sometimes "indulge" in the manic phase sometimes makes me feel better (in a way, I find it an overcompensating mechanism for my depressive states); hence, piercings or shopping sprees make me feel better.
Keywords: Breathing exercises, counting before making a decision, ignore the voices; get used to them (they'd probably stick with you for life, I've been hearing them since I was young). Also, sometimes (WARNING: this is my own personal advice) indulge in your mania. It makes you feel good, though you may regret it the day after. But heck, at least you're kept happy for a while.

2) The "Lows" or depression
This is when I feel completely useless. I could lie in bed all day feeling unproductive and mellow. I've learned that when I am in my depressive state, talking always helps. It is when I can no longer talk about it that drives me to thinking about things like suicide. The truth is, I "attempted" suicide about 2-3 weeks ago on New Year's eve, and if anything, being in the psychiatric ward does not help either. So I've learned that when I am down, the best possible thing is to sometimes just let it ride through. Speak to someone you trust; I pick several close friends and there is of course my fiance.
Keywords: communication, communication, communication. If you don't feel like talking to people whom you think will not understand, pick the ones you know who will. Join an online support group. I am on dailystrength.org.

On another note, I "indulged" in a manic phase and allowed myself to get two new conch piercings.



P/s: ignore the slight goriness, this was taken right after the piercings were done. And already I'm thinking of getting another one. Which brings me to the topic of self-control (which I think I shall talk about in my next post).

black tinted glasses

It's 2.56am and I can't sleep again. More and more sleepless nights to come; I foresee. I thought I'd just update the medications I'm currently on. If you have any questions I'd be free to answer them:

1) Zyprexa (I take 2.5mg once at night)
2) Lexapro (10mg once at night)
3) Rivotril (0.5mg once at night)
4) Aripiprazole, or as I learned is more popularly known as Abilify (5mg once at night)

These medications have been helping with subduing the voices in my head and the restlessness, but I still suffer from the occasional lows and sleeplessness.

So I thought today I'd write.

I have to say I'm not the most affectionate person around. Sometimes I am awkward when it comes to social situations; I'm not always bouncy and happy. And when it comes to the person I love (like my fiance), I just don't know how to show emotions. I can't tell everyone that I love him, in fact most times I tell people that he irritates me, or he makes me want to jump down a building (which is true at certain times), but the point is, I just don't know how to show emotions sometimes and it makes me feel dead inside when I'm not.

This is probably why I love acting so much. It allows me to release whatever I feel or able to feel without the fear of being judged.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bring me back to a time when life was happier, when I could see the world through black tinted glasses and still smile.

two wrongs don't make a right

Okay, I must say it's easier to handle one disease at a time, but having a few attacking you at the same time is really difficult to handle. They say Irritable Bowel Syndrome might be related to the mind, but although I couldn't sleep well last night; I did get some sleep today and am feeling calm, but I can't say the same for my stomach though. It's been rumbling all day today, and I've gone to the bathroom at least seven times so far (I'll spare you the details).

Back when I had a flatter stomach, I used to love flaunting it. I still have this light blue top that shows off just the slightest of my tummy and my navel and I used to wear it when I went out a lot. Even with constipation, I often had a bout or two of diarrhea a week, so it helped balance out my stomach. But nowadays, my stomach is bloated from the day I wake up till night. Sometimes it gets worse in the evenings, the bulge on my lower abdomen sometimes makes people think I am five months pregnant. How awful!

On an unrelated note, I need some advice. You see, I have eight piercings on my ears, one on my navel, and I had one on my nose (which I took out and plan to get it re-pierced). Recently, I have this urge to get pierced and inked, and I'm sure it's not part of my manic condition. How do I urge my fiance that it is not, and it is really just a matter of my preference?

P/s: I realise people don't leave comments here, which actually makes me quite sad, but in any case if you want to talk (like, if you suffer from the same condition or just want a listening ear or want to bestow your wisdom upon me), I can be reached at razzberry@gmail.com.

sleeplessness

It's 3.35am here and I can't sleep. I feel so frustrated sometimes I can't seem to explain how I feel. I told a friend today, "Sometimes I wish I was just plain depressed all the time". I know it's unfair to say it but seriously, I was depressed once a long time ago, without the manic episodes, and somehow that felt better. Like you can just lay in bed all day long without the need for justification, while bipolar disorder just kicks you in the ass. Up. Down. Up. Down.

Went to see the psychiatrist again today, Dr Y. He says that he sees change in me. Of course, I was feeling way better earlier. Practically hopped into his office and couldn't sit still. But for whatever reason, I got home, felt really down and just couldn't go for rehearsals. I just slept all the way through, and woke up feeling even worse. It's like a downward spiral, you can't seem to catch yourself before you know what you're going to do next. Scary, I know. But what can I do? Bind myself to the bed so I won't do anything at all?

Today I read that some people in other countries may benefit from disability funds due to bipolar disorder. Unfortunately, in Malaysia, this does not exist. You can be charged for attempted suicide. I hate saying this, but WHAT THE FUCK. I know it sounds unfair but I really wish I could just quit working and focus on getting better. But at the same time, working (especially acting) is what keeps me going. I feel like I could be a different person on stage - a happy one, a bubbly one, a NORMAL one.

Normalcy. Taking it one day at a time, is that normalcy? I thought normal people dare to dream big. Which I used to. What happened to that person I used to know? I feel like I was consumed by a big fat whale and now I have to grope my way in the darkness of its belly.

I just wish I could bring better awareness to suicide prevention and mental disorders.

Manic high!

right now i'm riding on the high, and it feels good. i can't sleep, and i need to work work work. took my pills, but i actually love how i feel right now :).

light at the end of the tunnel

I would use the word "demobilising". I have no idea if the word really exists, but depression (or bipolar disorder,) since the doctor now does not know what to name it, is truly demobilising. You see dirty dishes around the house; I should clean them but I can't. I've skipped two rehearsals so far and I NEVER skip rehearsals. You have so much you want to do, but you have to keep telling yourself "tomorrow". Because, somehow, you think that you'll be better tomorrow. Somehow I don't feel endless or hopeless. I'm very hopeful. That's probably the oddest thing about what I'm suffering from. Most people tell me that when they're depressed they feel like they just want to end their life - I on the other hand just want to feel better.

That was actually how I ended up with lithium overdose. I didn't want to die, I just wanted to feel better. And as sad as it sounds, people with mental disorders tend to be very delusional. I was deluded in thinking that a bunch of lithium pills could make me happier but they couldn't. So I thought, "what the heck, I might as well die". So even if I had the intention to die, it was very... last minute.

I want to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel, but seriously, don't we all?

Emotional journal:
Today I feel calm, tired, sick, yet excited for rehearsals tonight.

new doctor

This is the fourth doctor I've been seeing. I hate trawling around the entire Malaysia trying to find a cure or at least treatment for this disorder that I'm suffering from. Dr Y (the new doctor) says it's not bipolar disorder, but he just says that it's a mood disorder, and it's most important to treat the symptoms instead of focusing on a name to give it. Many people have agreed; a name is just a name. But knowing what it is makes it easier for me to accept it.

I'm now given four different medications - two of which are mood stabilisers used for schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. I think he doesn't want to discount bipolar so soon. The bad news is that I feel extremely low in energy, and in many ways, apathetic. I don't seem to care much. What I need is to feel alive again, even if it means experiencing manic episodes where I sometimes hear voices, want to jump off the balcony, shop like mad, want to drink or dance all night long. But what reason could we have for my manic episodes if it's not bipolar disorder?

In any case, I'm taking a week to see how the medication interacts with my body. The bad news is that I've been skipping two rehearsals so far, and I NEVER skip rehearsals. I feel horrible, but like I said: apathetic. I just hope I'll feel better soon and I'll jump back onto the bandwagon. I'm doing alright, no worries. Suicidal thoughts are too far away (yes, I'm taking myself off the suicide watch). Right now I just want to feel alive. I miss my manic episodes. I haven't experienced them since New Year's eve.

promises

When it feels so dark on the inside, and the walls always seem to outrun you, I grasp to what little belief I have left in myself, and I go from point to point trying to remain unharmed, and to not harm others. I know the consequences of my actions, and the knowledge that I will have to live with this for the rest of my life. Simple erasers cannot be used to erase these memories. They stain you and cling on to you like mud on a fresh pair of linens. The regret I wake up with seems to outweigh the guilt, and since I am already ridden up to the brim with guilt, everything seems so bleak and thirsty. And I am hungry for change.

What measure of desperation would one go to in order to fulfill one's promises?

I will not do it again...

But looking back, I cannot live with my hands bound and my feet tied up against my head with no air to breathe and little space to move.

I need to know it's all worth it in the end. That life, like death, could be so near it brushes through my feet, and I will be awakened to see it happen.

Through black sky and blue, I pray through and through.

my new year's resolutions

I was discharged yesterday and got home yesterday, thanks to my very understanding family who really want the best for me. I will start treatment with a different doctor on Tuesday, and right now I am on a different set of medication (after overdosing on lithium). I am currently put on Lexapro, Epilim, Lorazepam, and Seroquel XR (although I'm still not able to find Seroquel XR, despite the doctor who prescribed it saying it's a common drug in Malaysia). A little research on Seroquel XR shows that it's a common drug used to treat patients with schizophrenia with high success rate in treating bipolar disorder.

However, medications aside, I have decided to come up with my own set of "treatment methods", which involve focusing on other matters at hand. JJ and I went through a really rough phase where we were both very angry at each other (I at his incapability to understand my pain, him at my foolishness, although after this episode he now knows why I do what I do), and I think we have emerged stronger as a couple and as a team. I say "team" because that's what I need in facing this threat: a strong support team.

After Thursday, I can no longer dare say that I have full control over my own disorder; it has shown to be stronger than I am. But like I said, the only way when you hit rock bottom is up, and I plan to do exactly just that: get up.

My New Year's resolution(s) are simple this year:
1) Stay alive
2) Get well and treated, no matter what it takes
3) Find coping mechanisms that work for me
4) Measure small accomplishments every day and make them count
5) Learn to love myself

Today, taking time to cut JJ's hair felt therapeutic to me. I must thank him for being my "guinea pig", but now I also know that focusing my energies on something helps take my mind off matters. I have also learned throughout the weekend that I should not let, even doctors, get me down by saying things like, "The bipolar condition that you have is extremely difficult to treat (I also peeked into the letter written by my doctor as reference to another doctor that I suffer from 'ultra rapid cycling bipolar disorder')" or "The visions you often have are just voices in your head". I will, however, focus on the positives of this disease, such as channeling my energies into my passions. It's hard to explain, but there is just this tremendous amount of energies flowing all the time, whether it's up or down, and it's overwhelming all the time. But finding the balance; that is the key. I just need to stay alive and keep pushing, and sooner or later I will find the way.

2010 and where i am

I wouldn't want to reveal too much, but just enough to say that I am now in a psychiatric ward, and I hope to be released soon. My intentions and wishes are clear; although yes I did lose control and ended up here, but I really want to go home. There is no way to go when you hit rock bottom, except up. And I will go up again. I will be strong again. I just need a strong support group and a comfortable place to be in to grow. Not here. Keep me in your thoughts and prayers, and pray that I am able to leave this place soon, rather than not knowing when or indefinitely.