everyday is a struggle

Everyday is a struggle.
A struggle to sleep.
A struggle to get up.
A struggle to breathe.
A struggle to live.

But I'm still alive today, and that must mean something.

The struggle must be worth it, somehow.

what do i say?

What do I talk about, really. My mind's at a billion places at the same time. Today, after watching "Valentine's Day", I stepped out of the cinema and instantly it hit. It's hard to explain how it feels; it's sort of a high, but not in a good way. You feel stoned and nothing you do can unravel that knot in your stomach.

I sometimes ask myself why this disease chose me. But I stop myself before daring to wonder further because I know people who are suffering from worse things than I am. And yet people remain so strong. I just don't understand why this disease can be so demobilising. Some days I just want to crawl in bed and not do anything. The house is a mess; I haven't had the energy to clean it up. I hate it when it's messy, and it just aggravates the situation.

So what do I talk about, really? I go on and on about the same things that I've become so tired of who I am. I need to go out, meet new people, and yet I feel socially anxious around people at times. I'm a Libran, I love people. But nowadays I'm just afraid of people. What if they judge me? What if they think I'm too crazy? Or what if they think I'm too passive? Bipolar does that to you. Ups and downs. I'm literally driven crazy and up the wall with this stupid disease. And the fact that it's all in my mind makes it even harder for me to explain why I act the way I do.

But most of the time I'm just stoned. I choose to phase out when I feel like I'm not needed. Sometimes my brain just leaves me, says bye bye and doesn't even want to come back when I beckon. How is this doing any good to me? I simply do not know what to do. Are the medications working? Even if they aren't, I have to pretend that they do, just so people would stop worrying about me. I know two people who truly do. And I don't want to hurt them.

Life is easy... if I know how to live it. But I simply don't.

And on another note, I wish you Happy Chinese New Year and Happy Belated Valentine's Day!

explanation overdue

Maybe I just want to tell a story. Maybe I'd be more comfortable naming this other person some other name, just for the story's sake. Let's call her Cindy. What happened to Cindy on New Year's Eve, some may ask. So here's what really happened.

Cindy wanted to be happy. Cindy desperately wanted to be happy. It was New Year's Eve after a horrible year, and she wanted to be happy. So she locked herself in the room and cried buckets, while thinking of what she could do to be happy. She saw the bottle of lithium lying next to her bed, and thought, "Well, maybe this is a miracle pill." See, you have to forgive Cindy; she can get delusional thanks to the disorder she suffers from. So she took a miracle pill wanting to feel better. When it didn't work, she got frustrated and swallowed more than half the bottle. It hit her quick; she instantly felt woozy and decided to lie down. She went in and out of consciousness, until the door opened and in came her fiance who made her throw up.

The next thing she remembered was when she arrived at the hospital. She could walk again, so she suspected she had vomited most of it anyway. But she stayed anyway, and got her stomach flushed out (which was a horrible experience), and subsequently sent to the psychiatric ward.

Many people thought Cindy tried to kill herself, but in a way, Cindy didn't. Cindy just wanted to feel better, but when she didn't, she thought death was the best way to solve everything. And then she sent messages to some close friends about her intention. Maybe because she didn't really want to die. Maybe she just wanted help. Maybe she just wanted to be understood.

But in the end, the only one who truly understands remains to be her shadow.

frustration

frustrating frustrating frustrating. looking at old pics of myself and i realise how fat i've become. i don't even know who i am anymore when i look into the mirror and see my own reflection. i don't understand; how can someone just gain so much weight all of a sudden and can't shake it loose? i feel fat and horrible.

alone

It's honestly starting to get a little boring staying at home. Sure, I may be working from home but the problem is that I don't get to go out and see things or people. I enjoy working from home, but I guess I can understand why some people prefer working out of home. If I have a friend around the house all the time, it may be different, but for now, I'm mainly alone at home most of the time while JJ goes out to work. So I hope to score a second job starting March. I'm starting slow, I don't think I can go back to the working world with a bang.

Inferiority complex is starting to get to me. I suffer from extremely low self-esteem these days, and it doesn't help that the medications make me put on weight. My acne has also gotten worse which makes my condition worse. I'm currently trying alcohol swabs on my acne; hopefully they'll work. Some say it's too harsh, but I have no choice because nothing else is working. I've even tried Accutane and although it helped clear my skin, it also made me depressed (though I can't directly blame Accutane since I've been suffering from depression since young). It probably triggered it, if anything.

I'm trying to get my lines down, but my memory has been affected by the medications and nowadays it takes me longer to get my lines down. It's also hard for me to remember the small little things, but I'm getting better these days so I'm staying positive.

I just wish I had a close friend to talk to sometimes. It's starting to feel lonely and it's extremely overwhelming. Besides JJ and my mum, I really have no one else to talk to. And since they have teaching jobs, I'm pretty much left alone while they go off to work. The TV and the Internet can only do so much. I think I really need another job, and soon, before I lose my mind. But then again, it worries me because I'm not sure if I can handle another job.

Why am I so indecisive? I wish I could stop being so negative about things. I need to buy some confidence. I wish they were up for sale online.