report: jan 30th 2010

I want to believe that I'm on my way to recovery. Had a meeting with the psychiatrist on Thursday, and he wanted to know how I was feeling so I told him that I was feeling too "flat". He explained that I had perhaps finally reached a sense of normalcy (though normalcy may be overrated) but that I was reacting the way I was because I was so used to the ups and downs to consider that "normal".

So all in all, I'm finally normal. *claps*

But on a serious note, I was quite desperate to feel the way I used to, because I feel along with mania, for example, came creativity and anger and passion, and with depression came loneliness, sadness and guilt. I needed to feel all those to live; without them I felt like I was simply surviving and empty.

So he toggled with the medications a little, and hopefully I could feel a little on the "high" side. I don't know if it's working, but I did wake up yesterday feeling a little anxious and today I had need for less sleep (signs of mania). But I wouldn't call this mania at all, not even close to hypomania.

But what I do know is that I'm on my way to recovery. And this is probably one of the most positive moments in the history of my life. So why do I feel so empty?

I realise while browsing through Jobstreet.com yesterday that if I had to get a corporate job, the only corporate job that would make me happy was if I could be a lawyer. I abandoned my law plans when I hit depression, and now I'm thinking of going back. Money is of course, an issue, but I hope I could find a way to work things out. In the meantime, the best course of action for me is to stay home and work until I feel much better. So writing it is then. And I may start teaching again in March.

I wanted to do an overall report, so in the case of my bloating, I'm getting worse these days. I took a fiber drink last night and I hope it's going to work. In any case, I'm going to take on Herbalife which I've heard good reviews of. It'll also help in my weight management which is going out the window these days (the good news is I haven't been bulimic for at least a month now). Wish me luck!

subdued

i've actually been pretty normal these days. not too hyper not too low. i don't know if it's a good feeling; i feel subdued. sometimes i wish i could go off medications, they somehow inhibit my creativity and memory. but i know disaster would happen if i did. i wonder if i could be properly cured, yet i appreciate the downs, because with the downs come the highs, and i haven't had any episode of real high since... i don't know, christmas? ever since then i've been riding on the middle line.

i'm not sure what to do. a part of me wants to be normal, but a part of me actually loves me for who i am, despite the highs and lows.

dreams

Stomach's hurting, I think most likely due to aggravation or unbalance in acidity or something. It's gurgling, and I need food desperately. Pizza's slated to arrive in 45 minutes. But most importantly, I'm bloated again. Doesn't my stomach get tired of bloating everyday? How odd.

This series of illnesses have robbed me of my self-confidence and self-esteem. Recently, I am reduced to a person who's afraid of almost everything. I feel like I've fewer friends now, but it's great to know at least that the few friends I have left most likely love me for who I am. But then again I don't know. I can only dream.

Dreams hurt sometimes.

And then I wake up and it hurts even more.

superpowers

If I could be blessed with ONE power, I would opt for the power to heal others and myself, physically and emotionally.

On another note, sometimes I truly believe I can fly. But then I'd be selfish.

90210

I'm sitting here watching 90210 Season 2 and my mind is traveling a billion places. I started hearing voices again. It's a random knock or two, saying my name gently, behind closed doors. I open them and find nothing. Nothing.

I feel like tears do nothing for me anymore. I battle self-injury in a different way; so I get piercings. I find they help me immensely, and I don't care what people say.

But I do. I do. And I just feel all empty inside all the time. And the quietness all around me just disappear.

i can't...

... live like this. one day i want something, the next i just don't want it anymore. one morning i wake up and i'm fine, the next i'm not.

i

can't

do

this

anymore

.

what is bipolar disorder?

It might actually be time to consult my doctor again; this is my fourth sleepless night. I went to bed around 10ish, and slipped in and out of sleep, until I couldn't take it anymore and just woke up around 4 and haven't gone back to bed since then (it is now 6am).

Anyway, I've had some people asking me about bipolar disorder recently, and I would like to share some information about what bipolar disorder is, and some ways to cope (which, as my blog chronicles, I'm still learning). Taken off the US National Institute of Mental Health:

What is Bipolar Disorder?

Bipolar Disorder, also known as manic-depressive illness, is a serious medical illness that causes shifts in a person's mood, energy, and ability to function. Different from the normal ups and downs that everyone goes through, the symptoms of bipolar disorder are severe.

Signs & Symptoms

Bipolar disorder causes dramatic mood swings from overly "high" and/or irritable to sad and hopeless, and then back again, often with periods of normal mood in between. Severe changes in energy and behavior go along with these changes in mood. The periods of highs and lows are called episodes of mania and depression.

PERSONAL NOTE: There are many other signs and symptoms involved; if you think you suffer from bipolar disorder, kindly contact a trusted psychiatrist who can help diagnose you correctly. Also kindly note that the correct diagnosis may take time, even now my doctor is reluctant to place a name for my condition, although I am on medications for bipolar symptoms. Talk with your doctor, as sometimes it is best to treat the symptoms than a "disease" in particular when it comes to mental illness.

Treatment

Most people with bipolar disorder can achieve substantial stabilization of their mood swings and related symptoms over time with proper treatment. A strategy that combines medication and psychosocial treatment is optimal for managing the disorder over time.

PERSONAL NOTE: I personally think that several coping mechanisms help when it comes to bipolar disorder.

1) The "Ups" or mania
As this can be characterised from extreme changes such as being overly happy or easily agitated, breathing exercises may help. I still get irritated easily when I get manic, but I've learned to count from one to ten whenever I have those flares. I've also learned to ignore the "voices" and to get on with the programme whenever possible. Allowing myself to sometimes "indulge" in the manic phase sometimes makes me feel better (in a way, I find it an overcompensating mechanism for my depressive states); hence, piercings or shopping sprees make me feel better.
Keywords: Breathing exercises, counting before making a decision, ignore the voices; get used to them (they'd probably stick with you for life, I've been hearing them since I was young). Also, sometimes (WARNING: this is my own personal advice) indulge in your mania. It makes you feel good, though you may regret it the day after. But heck, at least you're kept happy for a while.

2) The "Lows" or depression
This is when I feel completely useless. I could lie in bed all day feeling unproductive and mellow. I've learned that when I am in my depressive state, talking always helps. It is when I can no longer talk about it that drives me to thinking about things like suicide. The truth is, I "attempted" suicide about 2-3 weeks ago on New Year's eve, and if anything, being in the psychiatric ward does not help either. So I've learned that when I am down, the best possible thing is to sometimes just let it ride through. Speak to someone you trust; I pick several close friends and there is of course my fiance.
Keywords: communication, communication, communication. If you don't feel like talking to people whom you think will not understand, pick the ones you know who will. Join an online support group. I am on dailystrength.org.

On another note, I "indulged" in a manic phase and allowed myself to get two new conch piercings.



P/s: ignore the slight goriness, this was taken right after the piercings were done. And already I'm thinking of getting another one. Which brings me to the topic of self-control (which I think I shall talk about in my next post).

black tinted glasses

It's 2.56am and I can't sleep again. More and more sleepless nights to come; I foresee. I thought I'd just update the medications I'm currently on. If you have any questions I'd be free to answer them:

1) Zyprexa (I take 2.5mg once at night)
2) Lexapro (10mg once at night)
3) Rivotril (0.5mg once at night)
4) Aripiprazole, or as I learned is more popularly known as Abilify (5mg once at night)

These medications have been helping with subduing the voices in my head and the restlessness, but I still suffer from the occasional lows and sleeplessness.

So I thought today I'd write.

I have to say I'm not the most affectionate person around. Sometimes I am awkward when it comes to social situations; I'm not always bouncy and happy. And when it comes to the person I love (like my fiance), I just don't know how to show emotions. I can't tell everyone that I love him, in fact most times I tell people that he irritates me, or he makes me want to jump down a building (which is true at certain times), but the point is, I just don't know how to show emotions sometimes and it makes me feel dead inside when I'm not.

This is probably why I love acting so much. It allows me to release whatever I feel or able to feel without the fear of being judged.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bring me back to a time when life was happier, when I could see the world through black tinted glasses and still smile.

two wrongs don't make a right

Okay, I must say it's easier to handle one disease at a time, but having a few attacking you at the same time is really difficult to handle. They say Irritable Bowel Syndrome might be related to the mind, but although I couldn't sleep well last night; I did get some sleep today and am feeling calm, but I can't say the same for my stomach though. It's been rumbling all day today, and I've gone to the bathroom at least seven times so far (I'll spare you the details).

Back when I had a flatter stomach, I used to love flaunting it. I still have this light blue top that shows off just the slightest of my tummy and my navel and I used to wear it when I went out a lot. Even with constipation, I often had a bout or two of diarrhea a week, so it helped balance out my stomach. But nowadays, my stomach is bloated from the day I wake up till night. Sometimes it gets worse in the evenings, the bulge on my lower abdomen sometimes makes people think I am five months pregnant. How awful!

On an unrelated note, I need some advice. You see, I have eight piercings on my ears, one on my navel, and I had one on my nose (which I took out and plan to get it re-pierced). Recently, I have this urge to get pierced and inked, and I'm sure it's not part of my manic condition. How do I urge my fiance that it is not, and it is really just a matter of my preference?

P/s: I realise people don't leave comments here, which actually makes me quite sad, but in any case if you want to talk (like, if you suffer from the same condition or just want a listening ear or want to bestow your wisdom upon me), I can be reached at razzberry@gmail.com.

sleeplessness

It's 3.35am here and I can't sleep. I feel so frustrated sometimes I can't seem to explain how I feel. I told a friend today, "Sometimes I wish I was just plain depressed all the time". I know it's unfair to say it but seriously, I was depressed once a long time ago, without the manic episodes, and somehow that felt better. Like you can just lay in bed all day long without the need for justification, while bipolar disorder just kicks you in the ass. Up. Down. Up. Down.

Went to see the psychiatrist again today, Dr Y. He says that he sees change in me. Of course, I was feeling way better earlier. Practically hopped into his office and couldn't sit still. But for whatever reason, I got home, felt really down and just couldn't go for rehearsals. I just slept all the way through, and woke up feeling even worse. It's like a downward spiral, you can't seem to catch yourself before you know what you're going to do next. Scary, I know. But what can I do? Bind myself to the bed so I won't do anything at all?

Today I read that some people in other countries may benefit from disability funds due to bipolar disorder. Unfortunately, in Malaysia, this does not exist. You can be charged for attempted suicide. I hate saying this, but WHAT THE FUCK. I know it sounds unfair but I really wish I could just quit working and focus on getting better. But at the same time, working (especially acting) is what keeps me going. I feel like I could be a different person on stage - a happy one, a bubbly one, a NORMAL one.

Normalcy. Taking it one day at a time, is that normalcy? I thought normal people dare to dream big. Which I used to. What happened to that person I used to know? I feel like I was consumed by a big fat whale and now I have to grope my way in the darkness of its belly.

I just wish I could bring better awareness to suicide prevention and mental disorders.

Manic high!

right now i'm riding on the high, and it feels good. i can't sleep, and i need to work work work. took my pills, but i actually love how i feel right now :).

light at the end of the tunnel

I would use the word "demobilising". I have no idea if the word really exists, but depression (or bipolar disorder,) since the doctor now does not know what to name it, is truly demobilising. You see dirty dishes around the house; I should clean them but I can't. I've skipped two rehearsals so far and I NEVER skip rehearsals. You have so much you want to do, but you have to keep telling yourself "tomorrow". Because, somehow, you think that you'll be better tomorrow. Somehow I don't feel endless or hopeless. I'm very hopeful. That's probably the oddest thing about what I'm suffering from. Most people tell me that when they're depressed they feel like they just want to end their life - I on the other hand just want to feel better.

That was actually how I ended up with lithium overdose. I didn't want to die, I just wanted to feel better. And as sad as it sounds, people with mental disorders tend to be very delusional. I was deluded in thinking that a bunch of lithium pills could make me happier but they couldn't. So I thought, "what the heck, I might as well die". So even if I had the intention to die, it was very... last minute.

I want to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel, but seriously, don't we all?

Emotional journal:
Today I feel calm, tired, sick, yet excited for rehearsals tonight.

new doctor

This is the fourth doctor I've been seeing. I hate trawling around the entire Malaysia trying to find a cure or at least treatment for this disorder that I'm suffering from. Dr Y (the new doctor) says it's not bipolar disorder, but he just says that it's a mood disorder, and it's most important to treat the symptoms instead of focusing on a name to give it. Many people have agreed; a name is just a name. But knowing what it is makes it easier for me to accept it.

I'm now given four different medications - two of which are mood stabilisers used for schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. I think he doesn't want to discount bipolar so soon. The bad news is that I feel extremely low in energy, and in many ways, apathetic. I don't seem to care much. What I need is to feel alive again, even if it means experiencing manic episodes where I sometimes hear voices, want to jump off the balcony, shop like mad, want to drink or dance all night long. But what reason could we have for my manic episodes if it's not bipolar disorder?

In any case, I'm taking a week to see how the medication interacts with my body. The bad news is that I've been skipping two rehearsals so far, and I NEVER skip rehearsals. I feel horrible, but like I said: apathetic. I just hope I'll feel better soon and I'll jump back onto the bandwagon. I'm doing alright, no worries. Suicidal thoughts are too far away (yes, I'm taking myself off the suicide watch). Right now I just want to feel alive. I miss my manic episodes. I haven't experienced them since New Year's eve.

promises

When it feels so dark on the inside, and the walls always seem to outrun you, I grasp to what little belief I have left in myself, and I go from point to point trying to remain unharmed, and to not harm others. I know the consequences of my actions, and the knowledge that I will have to live with this for the rest of my life. Simple erasers cannot be used to erase these memories. They stain you and cling on to you like mud on a fresh pair of linens. The regret I wake up with seems to outweigh the guilt, and since I am already ridden up to the brim with guilt, everything seems so bleak and thirsty. And I am hungry for change.

What measure of desperation would one go to in order to fulfill one's promises?

I will not do it again...

But looking back, I cannot live with my hands bound and my feet tied up against my head with no air to breathe and little space to move.

I need to know it's all worth it in the end. That life, like death, could be so near it brushes through my feet, and I will be awakened to see it happen.

Through black sky and blue, I pray through and through.

my new year's resolutions

I was discharged yesterday and got home yesterday, thanks to my very understanding family who really want the best for me. I will start treatment with a different doctor on Tuesday, and right now I am on a different set of medication (after overdosing on lithium). I am currently put on Lexapro, Epilim, Lorazepam, and Seroquel XR (although I'm still not able to find Seroquel XR, despite the doctor who prescribed it saying it's a common drug in Malaysia). A little research on Seroquel XR shows that it's a common drug used to treat patients with schizophrenia with high success rate in treating bipolar disorder.

However, medications aside, I have decided to come up with my own set of "treatment methods", which involve focusing on other matters at hand. JJ and I went through a really rough phase where we were both very angry at each other (I at his incapability to understand my pain, him at my foolishness, although after this episode he now knows why I do what I do), and I think we have emerged stronger as a couple and as a team. I say "team" because that's what I need in facing this threat: a strong support team.

After Thursday, I can no longer dare say that I have full control over my own disorder; it has shown to be stronger than I am. But like I said, the only way when you hit rock bottom is up, and I plan to do exactly just that: get up.

My New Year's resolution(s) are simple this year:
1) Stay alive
2) Get well and treated, no matter what it takes
3) Find coping mechanisms that work for me
4) Measure small accomplishments every day and make them count
5) Learn to love myself

Today, taking time to cut JJ's hair felt therapeutic to me. I must thank him for being my "guinea pig", but now I also know that focusing my energies on something helps take my mind off matters. I have also learned throughout the weekend that I should not let, even doctors, get me down by saying things like, "The bipolar condition that you have is extremely difficult to treat (I also peeked into the letter written by my doctor as reference to another doctor that I suffer from 'ultra rapid cycling bipolar disorder')" or "The visions you often have are just voices in your head". I will, however, focus on the positives of this disease, such as channeling my energies into my passions. It's hard to explain, but there is just this tremendous amount of energies flowing all the time, whether it's up or down, and it's overwhelming all the time. But finding the balance; that is the key. I just need to stay alive and keep pushing, and sooner or later I will find the way.

2010 and where i am

I wouldn't want to reveal too much, but just enough to say that I am now in a psychiatric ward, and I hope to be released soon. My intentions and wishes are clear; although yes I did lose control and ended up here, but I really want to go home. There is no way to go when you hit rock bottom, except up. And I will go up again. I will be strong again. I just need a strong support group and a comfortable place to be in to grow. Not here. Keep me in your thoughts and prayers, and pray that I am able to leave this place soon, rather than not knowing when or indefinitely.