sleeplessness

It's 3.35am here and I can't sleep. I feel so frustrated sometimes I can't seem to explain how I feel. I told a friend today, "Sometimes I wish I was just plain depressed all the time". I know it's unfair to say it but seriously, I was depressed once a long time ago, without the manic episodes, and somehow that felt better. Like you can just lay in bed all day long without the need for justification, while bipolar disorder just kicks you in the ass. Up. Down. Up. Down.

Went to see the psychiatrist again today, Dr Y. He says that he sees change in me. Of course, I was feeling way better earlier. Practically hopped into his office and couldn't sit still. But for whatever reason, I got home, felt really down and just couldn't go for rehearsals. I just slept all the way through, and woke up feeling even worse. It's like a downward spiral, you can't seem to catch yourself before you know what you're going to do next. Scary, I know. But what can I do? Bind myself to the bed so I won't do anything at all?

Today I read that some people in other countries may benefit from disability funds due to bipolar disorder. Unfortunately, in Malaysia, this does not exist. You can be charged for attempted suicide. I hate saying this, but WHAT THE FUCK. I know it sounds unfair but I really wish I could just quit working and focus on getting better. But at the same time, working (especially acting) is what keeps me going. I feel like I could be a different person on stage - a happy one, a bubbly one, a NORMAL one.

Normalcy. Taking it one day at a time, is that normalcy? I thought normal people dare to dream big. Which I used to. What happened to that person I used to know? I feel like I was consumed by a big fat whale and now I have to grope my way in the darkness of its belly.

I just wish I could bring better awareness to suicide prevention and mental disorders.