new doctor

This is the fourth doctor I've been seeing. I hate trawling around the entire Malaysia trying to find a cure or at least treatment for this disorder that I'm suffering from. Dr Y (the new doctor) says it's not bipolar disorder, but he just says that it's a mood disorder, and it's most important to treat the symptoms instead of focusing on a name to give it. Many people have agreed; a name is just a name. But knowing what it is makes it easier for me to accept it.

I'm now given four different medications - two of which are mood stabilisers used for schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. I think he doesn't want to discount bipolar so soon. The bad news is that I feel extremely low in energy, and in many ways, apathetic. I don't seem to care much. What I need is to feel alive again, even if it means experiencing manic episodes where I sometimes hear voices, want to jump off the balcony, shop like mad, want to drink or dance all night long. But what reason could we have for my manic episodes if it's not bipolar disorder?

In any case, I'm taking a week to see how the medication interacts with my body. The bad news is that I've been skipping two rehearsals so far, and I NEVER skip rehearsals. I feel horrible, but like I said: apathetic. I just hope I'll feel better soon and I'll jump back onto the bandwagon. I'm doing alright, no worries. Suicidal thoughts are too far away (yes, I'm taking myself off the suicide watch). Right now I just want to feel alive. I miss my manic episodes. I haven't experienced them since New Year's eve.