numbers

I turn 26 tomorrow. Lost hopes and broken dreams, will I ever dance with you again?

bone growth

I read through my old blog posts (which I didn't transfer to this blog) and realised that I used to be smarter, stronger and wiser. Whatever happened to that person, nobody really knows.

Just to add insult to injury, I woke up yesterday with a bad arm ache. I thought I had slept on it, but the pain radiated all through my spine and up until my neck as well. Finally decided to go to Assunta Hospital to get it checked out, and an X-ray showed that I had bone growth on my neck causing it to poke on my nerves, thus hurting me. They sent me home with painkillers and an appointment with an orthopedic on Monday. About treatment, they'll try medication first, but if that doesn't work, surgery has to be the option.

I feel like everyday something bad happens. I'm starting to feel very jinxed. I just don't understand why my body can't take many things other people can take.

As for my acne, I went to see another specialist on Friday. I hope it works this time; I want glowing skin by September. I will reveal why soon enough :).

frustration

frustrating frustrating frustrating. looking at old pics of myself and i realise how fat i've become. i don't even know who i am anymore when i look into the mirror and see my own reflection. i don't understand; how can someone just gain so much weight all of a sudden and can't shake it loose? i feel fat and horrible.

alone

It's honestly starting to get a little boring staying at home. Sure, I may be working from home but the problem is that I don't get to go out and see things or people. I enjoy working from home, but I guess I can understand why some people prefer working out of home. If I have a friend around the house all the time, it may be different, but for now, I'm mainly alone at home most of the time while JJ goes out to work. So I hope to score a second job starting March. I'm starting slow, I don't think I can go back to the working world with a bang.

Inferiority complex is starting to get to me. I suffer from extremely low self-esteem these days, and it doesn't help that the medications make me put on weight. My acne has also gotten worse which makes my condition worse. I'm currently trying alcohol swabs on my acne; hopefully they'll work. Some say it's too harsh, but I have no choice because nothing else is working. I've even tried Accutane and although it helped clear my skin, it also made me depressed (though I can't directly blame Accutane since I've been suffering from depression since young). It probably triggered it, if anything.

I'm trying to get my lines down, but my memory has been affected by the medications and nowadays it takes me longer to get my lines down. It's also hard for me to remember the small little things, but I'm getting better these days so I'm staying positive.

I just wish I had a close friend to talk to sometimes. It's starting to feel lonely and it's extremely overwhelming. Besides JJ and my mum, I really have no one else to talk to. And since they have teaching jobs, I'm pretty much left alone while they go off to work. The TV and the Internet can only do so much. I think I really need another job, and soon, before I lose my mind. But then again, it worries me because I'm not sure if I can handle another job.

Why am I so indecisive? I wish I could stop being so negative about things. I need to buy some confidence. I wish they were up for sale online.

report: jan 30th 2010

I want to believe that I'm on my way to recovery. Had a meeting with the psychiatrist on Thursday, and he wanted to know how I was feeling so I told him that I was feeling too "flat". He explained that I had perhaps finally reached a sense of normalcy (though normalcy may be overrated) but that I was reacting the way I was because I was so used to the ups and downs to consider that "normal".

So all in all, I'm finally normal. *claps*

But on a serious note, I was quite desperate to feel the way I used to, because I feel along with mania, for example, came creativity and anger and passion, and with depression came loneliness, sadness and guilt. I needed to feel all those to live; without them I felt like I was simply surviving and empty.

So he toggled with the medications a little, and hopefully I could feel a little on the "high" side. I don't know if it's working, but I did wake up yesterday feeling a little anxious and today I had need for less sleep (signs of mania). But I wouldn't call this mania at all, not even close to hypomania.

But what I do know is that I'm on my way to recovery. And this is probably one of the most positive moments in the history of my life. So why do I feel so empty?

I realise while browsing through Jobstreet.com yesterday that if I had to get a corporate job, the only corporate job that would make me happy was if I could be a lawyer. I abandoned my law plans when I hit depression, and now I'm thinking of going back. Money is of course, an issue, but I hope I could find a way to work things out. In the meantime, the best course of action for me is to stay home and work until I feel much better. So writing it is then. And I may start teaching again in March.

I wanted to do an overall report, so in the case of my bloating, I'm getting worse these days. I took a fiber drink last night and I hope it's going to work. In any case, I'm going to take on Herbalife which I've heard good reviews of. It'll also help in my weight management which is going out the window these days (the good news is I haven't been bulimic for at least a month now). Wish me luck!

dreams

Stomach's hurting, I think most likely due to aggravation or unbalance in acidity or something. It's gurgling, and I need food desperately. Pizza's slated to arrive in 45 minutes. But most importantly, I'm bloated again. Doesn't my stomach get tired of bloating everyday? How odd.

This series of illnesses have robbed me of my self-confidence and self-esteem. Recently, I am reduced to a person who's afraid of almost everything. I feel like I've fewer friends now, but it's great to know at least that the few friends I have left most likely love me for who I am. But then again I don't know. I can only dream.

Dreams hurt sometimes.

And then I wake up and it hurts even more.

superpowers

If I could be blessed with ONE power, I would opt for the power to heal others and myself, physically and emotionally.

On another note, sometimes I truly believe I can fly. But then I'd be selfish.

making marshmallows out of nothing

There's something about the end of the year. Oh it feels like I've said this already, but who cares? I'm determined to write all the way until I'm better. I want to be cured. Screw anyone who says there's no cure. There must be. God must love us enough to want us all to be happy. That's maybe why I believe that we all go to a happy place when we die. I'm so delusional. Except delusion sometimes makes people happy.

Dream big. They've been showing this stupid tagline on Star World all month long. Oh yeah yeah American Idol. Changes your life. Seriously, how can anything change? How can I wake up one day feeling like I can change the world, and the next day I feel like I can't even help myself? And again, I feel like I've said this before. Again and again, round and round, around a mulberry bush I go. So let me sum it all up: I'm sad.

I'm sad because I've done absolutely nothing good this year. The truth is, I gave up so much to do law because I really want to be a lawyer. I want to be a lawyer because I sincerely believe I can change the justice system, enhance it, and fight for human rights. Malik Imtiaz is one of my inspirations. I believe God gave me the gift of eloquence and I should use it to my maximum potential. And I really really want to be a lawyer. And then my second year came, and it was time for exams. I had a severe panic attack. The month before the exams I was crying and vomiting and huddling in bed and under desks. I needed a safe place to hide. By my third paper, I simply broke down. I called my mum and literally begged her to allow me to quit. See, all my life I had been the perfect student, scoring on average straight A's, got myself into a local university and graduated with (although not a first class) but with an above average CGPA. But I'm tired. I was just so afraid. And I had to let my dream go. Would I regret not being a lawyer? Of course. I just hope the day will come when I regain my confidence to do it again.

Right now, I'm worried of going for auditions because I'm worried I'll have a panic attack. I am, however, working on a production, and I'm thrilled and excited to be on board.

But back to this past year. I feel like I had just let my life pass me by. 2008 was a great year for me. If I could I would relive it all over again. But I can't. And 2009 hurt me a great deal. Maybe all my life of downs was compensated in 2008 and I have to wait for another ten years for it to come by again. Can I be that patient? I told myself that by the time I'm fourty and have achieved nothing in my life, I would take my own life. It's probably the only thing I really have control over. Dare I let God take control and kill me anytime he wants to? I feel like by choosing my own death, I can at least prepare myself, say goodbye to the ones that I love, and spend the rest of my days happily before saying goodbye for real. Does it really sound that delusional?

Whatever it is, I have a family to think about, and a fiance who loves me and friends whom I think care for me, so I have to face the coming year with a fake smile on my face. No parties this year; I'm in a down phase. I'd like to be around people, but some of my favourite people are off to another country, and some other of my favourite people are spending New Year's eve in another state, and the leftovers have yet to come back to me on what they will be doing.

So you know what? I'm going to spend New Year's eve alone with my fiance. We'll order some pizza, watch TV and hold hands (we're staying celibate after two pregnancy scares; in which one I had to take a urine test in a hospital after I started excreting milk from my breasts which I later found out was due to an antidepressant I was under). Too much information? I'm sorry.

After obsessing over my nose piercing for so long, I decided to yank at it because I really believed I could magically "move" it to another position (thinking back I think I was on my manic phase). It led to severe bleeding and an infection. I went to a piercing parlour today (a different one from where I got it pierced because the previous one used a gun, and I was on my manic phase and simply threw caution into the wind despite knowing it was dangerous) and the piercer had to remove the piercing to allow it to heal, before I can re-pierce it again.

So, it's a horrible way to end the year. Not to mention that our bed broke, and now my fiance and I have to sleep on the floor, because we can't afford a new bed for at least the next month or so.

Sigh.

I just want 2010 to come already, so that I can be rid of this "end of the year" December feeling. I hope strength comes at the last minute as a sign that God exists. He must! He must! I need to know this so I can continue living.

I just thought I'd share what I wrote in December 2006:

Wake me up when December ends

Another year has passed us by...

I know what I was doing a year ago. December 2005: Sobbing into my mother's arms, I apologised repeatedly because of what happened; because of my stupidity, foolishness and trust for someone that has brought trouble to me - some form of trouble that has troubled my family as well.

I know how was it like a year ago. It took me almost a year to find the courage to finally spill the beans. I had expected yelling matches. I had expected disappointment from my parents' part. I had expected them to hate me and to disown me.

"You did nothing wrong," they'd said. "All you did was place your trust on someone who betrayed that trust."

I trusted the wrong person. But how was I to know? The guilt was too overwhelming, the hurt from being betrayed too much to bear.

You place your trust on this person just once. Just once. Just once but it was too much.

Most people would be glad for December. It is, after all, a month of celebration (Christmas) and sales (year end sales). But when I'm out shopping or staring at the display in Midvalley, I feel nothing. Zilch. Empty. I look out and I see people taking pictures with the trees and I feel nothing. I look around and I see people laughing, chatting, throwing their hair away from their faces and I feel nothing.

I feel nothing because the old me died in December. A new me was born in December 2004, and died the following year. A new me was born again in December last year. And every December, I feel like another part of me dies and another part is reborn.

But how many "rebirths" can a person have? How many more Decembers do I have to go through before I can finally pose and smile in front of the ornaments or even enjoy the sales as they are? How many more Decembers do I have to go through before I can finally forget the ordeal I went through? How many more Decembers do I have to go through before I can finally let go of the past? How many more Decembers do I have to go through before I can finally forget...?

I may have forgiven him for what he did, but I will never forget.

obsession

It's funny how you tend to focus on the smaller problems in life when you have bigger issues. Like battling bipolar disorder. Or the fact that you're still fat despite eating much less.

Right now, I'm obsessing over my nose piercing. See, I finally remembered why it took me so long to get my nose pierced - I always thought my nose was ugly. The problem is, I still do, though. And with the nose stud in place, I look at photos and find that it exaggerates the shortness and roundness of my nose. I'm thinking of re-piercing it a little backwards so it doesn't appear too round. But then I start obsessing about the fact that I may not like the new placing, or what if it gets infected, or what if it migrates and ends up in the same spot as the old one.

I don't like obsessing over the small things, but it really feels significant. I mean, this is my face and I see it every day, and what little control I have over the way I look, I'm taking it, man! Right now I even feel like just walking to the bathroom and poking a new hole with my own needle. Rationality is sometimes thrown out the window. I actually wonder why I haven't actually done that.

My mood for today is just... difficult to explain. It's not high it's not low, it's just... somewhere in between. More on the upset part, actually. Although yesterday I did overreact when an argument ensued resulting in me jumping out of the car at a traffic light. I always feel like I need to run away. Between yesterday and today, I have thought of suicide at least five times. I want to just swallow some pills and get it over with.

christmas is here...

Okay, so perhaps my last posting was a little uncalled for. We managed to clean up the house a bit, and decorated the front door, and everything is all good. My fiance and I went to my uncle's house last night (since it's already morning), and just got back about an hour ago. It was great fun singing Christmas songs. I love Christmas songs. And I love singing. So the combination of Christmas songs and singing them seem fun. Especially with lots of people.

It was also a time for our families to get together and get to know each other, so yeah we brought our parents (or rather, his dad and my mum) to get to know each other. There was a Christmas tree, lots of food, and cake. And I think I am rather on the high right now, which is probably why it would take me some effort to fall asleep.

Merry Christmas, everyone! And before you know it, it'll be New Year's!

rubbish, rubbish, all around

I honestly hate it when people use my bipolar disorder as an excuse to not do something. I've been awake since earlier today, while my fiance JJ continued to sleep until almost 4pm. What irritates me is the fact that we have a tea time appointment at 4pm with his dad and his granny, and he's completely oblivious to the fact that: a) we might be late, b) we've yet to put up decorations for the party tomorrow, and c) the house is very unkempt, and not to mention we have a dinner with my family at 8pm tonight. The dishes are piling up in the sink, and I've to do them, sweep the floor, mop the floor, take out the trash, etc. There are worksheets all over the front table (his, not mine), and pizza boxes and medications (his, not mine) all over the dining table. And he's taking it so calmly. The fact that his dad is staying over tonight also means that it'll be harder to clean the house while he's around, and we should have the house clean by then.

But JJ just woke up, and went straight to take a shower, which means that the tasks fall completely on me. I hate domestication and the fact that the "woman" has to do all the chores of the house, even though the "woman" also has to work a day job. How is this fair?

And then he uses the excuse that I "do not live in the now". And to "live in the now", he was going to take a shower and figure out the cleaning up later. What rubbish! I mean, sure, I may be ridden with some sickness but that doesn't mean that I don't function like a normal human being. And normal human beings feel irritated too when their fiance decides to wake up so late in the evening (which is so abnormal) and then go on doing his normal business without caring about the house. I mean, WTF! At this point of time, I must officially say that I hate men. And sometimes I don't know why I officially put myself as a slave to any man - apparently commitment puts you through that. Sure, it's different if you have a husband/boyfriend/fiance who co-operates with you, but otherwise having such a relationship is too difficult.

So yeah, Christmas eve may be today, and Christmas may be tomorrow, but I'm not the most excited person in the world. Santa can leave me alone, thank you very much.