obsession

It's funny how you tend to focus on the smaller problems in life when you have bigger issues. Like battling bipolar disorder. Or the fact that you're still fat despite eating much less.

Right now, I'm obsessing over my nose piercing. See, I finally remembered why it took me so long to get my nose pierced - I always thought my nose was ugly. The problem is, I still do, though. And with the nose stud in place, I look at photos and find that it exaggerates the shortness and roundness of my nose. I'm thinking of re-piercing it a little backwards so it doesn't appear too round. But then I start obsessing about the fact that I may not like the new placing, or what if it gets infected, or what if it migrates and ends up in the same spot as the old one.

I don't like obsessing over the small things, but it really feels significant. I mean, this is my face and I see it every day, and what little control I have over the way I look, I'm taking it, man! Right now I even feel like just walking to the bathroom and poking a new hole with my own needle. Rationality is sometimes thrown out the window. I actually wonder why I haven't actually done that.

My mood for today is just... difficult to explain. It's not high it's not low, it's just... somewhere in between. More on the upset part, actually. Although yesterday I did overreact when an argument ensued resulting in me jumping out of the car at a traffic light. I always feel like I need to run away. Between yesterday and today, I have thought of suicide at least five times. I want to just swallow some pills and get it over with.