purging

I forced myself to puke again today. Stuck my finger down my throat, and it felt really good after. I started off the day wanting to change, hoping that I could somehow hold it all in. But whenever I eat, I feel guilty for eating. I can't help how I feel.

Battling bulimia is not something new for me. It started when I was about 14 in secondary school. I had to take steroids to cure my asthma (which still bothers me till today), and my weight just ballooned uncontrollably. I discovered bulimia via the beauty of the internet. I was on Bolt.com (which is now dysfunctional) and found out that someone forced herself to vomit to lose weight and that it really worked. The best thing about it was that it was hard for people to notice what you were doing unless you told them. But back then, it was an occasional purge once in a while, anytime I felt too fat or if I felt like I ate too much.

The condition became worse when I was 19. I had just finished STPM, and the stress of waiting for the results killed me. I felt like a piece of Chipsmore cookie in a cup of milk, just melting away with few trace of ever being. That was the way my body worked too. I would vomit after every meal, until one day I weighed myself and realised I was a bare 33kgs at the height of 153cms. I knew I needed help. Together with my troubled mind at the time (the stress of waiting for my STPM results made me depressed), I had to see a psychiatrist who told me, like everyone else, that forcing myself to puke was wrong. But how do I tell myself that it is wrong when it feels so right?

Being bulimic to me is no big deal, really. I would occasionally throw up when I feel like I've overeaten, but I haven't been doing it for a long, long time until recently. I recently put on 14kgs in one year, and started going into a downward spiral (which was also due to my law degree pursuit that ended with me going into depression mode). About a week ago, I just decided I would throw up to try to lose some weight. But once I started, I couldn't stop. I made a mistake my mentioning it to me fiance and mother on Sunday, because now I feel paranoid that they will try to stop me. A part of me, though, wants to stop. But today I just couldn't help it. I had eaten a lot of pizza and dessert and the best way was to purge my body of them. It seemed so easy to just puke these days, sometimes I don't even have to put my fingers in my throat. It feels like second nature sometimes.

A part of me knows that I am wrong, but I hate making excuses for myself and I am guilty as charged. I feel fat whenever I look at myself in the mirror, and I see my arms as being huge tree trunks and watching the TV or going out make me feel horrible. I look around and everywhere I see thin people, who seem so happy. I am just plain slouchy, fat and ugly. Some people say otherwise, but how can I help how I feel? This is what I see, and that's the end of the story.

I am willing to try other methods to rid myself of this fat, but how much do I need to lose to feel okay again? And what if I'll never feel okay? I am so worried about the future, I feel like I'm losing grip sometimes. I don't need help or reassurance. I need someone to look at me and say, "You are so fat you deserve to die."

Right now, I am feeling faint. I feel weak everytime after I force myself to puke. I'd feel dizzy sometimes, and I'd just go lie down. I sleep more because I feel more tired, and the antidepressants don't help, at least not in convincing me that I will be okay, even if I were fat.

I just long for the day when I could be thin again, and then I can stop this bullshit of a habit.