addiction

I'm sitting here after lunch/dinner and I feel like puking. I think it's wired in my brain that I need to, although logically my brain tells me I shouldn't. Breathing exercises help me control the urges, but I also know I should stay away from the bathroom, just in case I lose control. A lot of people think that we choose this, but more often than not, it is difficult to simply stop it. It's like an addiction, I need to do it to feel better. And I feel nauseous and jittery waiting for the wave to pass.

For some reason, I am feeling a little down today. When I am on the downs of my bipolar disorder, I sometimes feel like I don't want to do anything - I usually end up just lying in bed, waiting for the feeling to go away. The clock ticks ever so slowly, and time seems to pass by so slowly. But you know it's going to go away. The only question is when. And it's just so hard to wait. I think I'm just being impatient. That is how I ended up sleeping the entire day, waking up at 5pm and feeling a heavy pull in my heart. I want to know the medications are working, but there is no indication that it is. JJ says he notices some changes, but I hardly feel any changes at all. I still feel the same.

I've been having dreams that are violently sexually charged. I've yet to act out on them, I'm being celibate after all. But these dreams drive me crazy. I wake up, and they instantly disappear - the urges as well as the repressed feelings. I need to wake up and see the world as it is. That, however, is too painful to bear.