oh, finally! a purpose for the blog!

I've always known this blog would come to use someday, and for today it's to track my list of serious ailments, doctors and treatments, just in case I forget:

Bipolar disorder: Dr Yen Teck Hoe (treatment still at varying stage after more than a year)
Cervical spondylosis: Dr JK Lee (Methylcobal & Arcoxia)
Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome: Dr Kim Wong (Yaz - birth control)
Acne: Dr Rokiah (Tetracycline)
Irritable Bowel Syndrome: Dr Goh Khean Lee (treatment yet to begin)
Suspected Tinnitus: Dr Gopala (hearing test on Friday)

Other supplements I take: Omega Fish Oil and good bacteria

diane 35

right now i don't know for sure what is causing my severe bloating, but i am willing to try anything. current step is to visit a gynaecologist, and she has prescribed me with diane 35, as a treatment for polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS). took a blood test today, and the results will be out in a week to confirm whether i have PCOS or not. diane 35 is basically an oral contraceptive pill, also used to treat acne. so i'm hoping if it doesn't work on my bloating, at least it will help clear up my skin. i still believe what i'm having is strictly hormonal, because for 24 years of my life i had beautiful skin, and all of a sudden in my adult life, i was hit hard with acne, bloating, and weight gain. even depression came back with a force.

i also took a test for thyroid, suspecting myself of having hypothyroidism. like i said, i'm willing to try anything at this point. perhaps my next step if diane 35 doesn't work is to try a food allergy test. there have also been suggestions online that i should try a low-carb diet.

pray with me, and pray for me that this works. i've been struggling with bloating for so long i've begun to lose self-confidence.

rainbow

finding a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow - that's like finding something good beneath something beautiful. life, however, is not like that at all. i've been down, really down, hyper at some moments, but mostly down. i stopped taking herbalife due to my doctor's advice, so now losing weight is my own battle. own, but not only. there are plenty of battles to hopefully win, because if i don't, i may well lose my mind if it was there to begin with.

maybe i try too hard to justify many many things in my life, because i feel like i need to be heard. sometimes it's just so hard to swallow the bitter medicine, and move on and forget about the past. but when the past surely hurt, it continues to hurt. it's like holding a knife on the sharp edge when passing it to someone else - there's always a chance of accidentally cutting yourself. but you do so to protect others. and some of the people i love and have loved - i have loved and love madly.

i went to the gynecologist today to get my bloating checked out. i've been seeing a gastroentrologist for the past (almost) two years, to no avail. the bloating is getting so bad i tend to hide myself either in loose baggy clothing, or in my house. it makes me indecisive - one moment i'd feel like going out, the next my confidence gets a huge stab from the back. i look five months pregnant, and i cannot imagine what would happen if i really got pregnant one day. how will i look?

the gynecologist checked me with an ultrasound and confirmed that there are no fibroids or ovarian cysts. however, i may have a condition known as Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). we need to run a blood test on my second day of period to confirm. that may explain the weight gain, acne and several other symptoms i'm experiencing. however, i don't know how the bloating can be solved. i'm getting desperate, so please leave a comment or send me an e-mail if you have any suggestions.

it's a time of decisions, and i pray i'm making the right decisions and never to regret them later. i wish to live, not simply survive.

sometimes i get so tired of all these.

report: jan 30th 2010

I want to believe that I'm on my way to recovery. Had a meeting with the psychiatrist on Thursday, and he wanted to know how I was feeling so I told him that I was feeling too "flat". He explained that I had perhaps finally reached a sense of normalcy (though normalcy may be overrated) but that I was reacting the way I was because I was so used to the ups and downs to consider that "normal".

So all in all, I'm finally normal. *claps*

But on a serious note, I was quite desperate to feel the way I used to, because I feel along with mania, for example, came creativity and anger and passion, and with depression came loneliness, sadness and guilt. I needed to feel all those to live; without them I felt like I was simply surviving and empty.

So he toggled with the medications a little, and hopefully I could feel a little on the "high" side. I don't know if it's working, but I did wake up yesterday feeling a little anxious and today I had need for less sleep (signs of mania). But I wouldn't call this mania at all, not even close to hypomania.

But what I do know is that I'm on my way to recovery. And this is probably one of the most positive moments in the history of my life. So why do I feel so empty?

I realise while browsing through Jobstreet.com yesterday that if I had to get a corporate job, the only corporate job that would make me happy was if I could be a lawyer. I abandoned my law plans when I hit depression, and now I'm thinking of going back. Money is of course, an issue, but I hope I could find a way to work things out. In the meantime, the best course of action for me is to stay home and work until I feel much better. So writing it is then. And I may start teaching again in March.

I wanted to do an overall report, so in the case of my bloating, I'm getting worse these days. I took a fiber drink last night and I hope it's going to work. In any case, I'm going to take on Herbalife which I've heard good reviews of. It'll also help in my weight management which is going out the window these days (the good news is I haven't been bulimic for at least a month now). Wish me luck!

dreams

Stomach's hurting, I think most likely due to aggravation or unbalance in acidity or something. It's gurgling, and I need food desperately. Pizza's slated to arrive in 45 minutes. But most importantly, I'm bloated again. Doesn't my stomach get tired of bloating everyday? How odd.

This series of illnesses have robbed me of my self-confidence and self-esteem. Recently, I am reduced to a person who's afraid of almost everything. I feel like I've fewer friends now, but it's great to know at least that the few friends I have left most likely love me for who I am. But then again I don't know. I can only dream.

Dreams hurt sometimes.

And then I wake up and it hurts even more.

two wrongs don't make a right

Okay, I must say it's easier to handle one disease at a time, but having a few attacking you at the same time is really difficult to handle. They say Irritable Bowel Syndrome might be related to the mind, but although I couldn't sleep well last night; I did get some sleep today and am feeling calm, but I can't say the same for my stomach though. It's been rumbling all day today, and I've gone to the bathroom at least seven times so far (I'll spare you the details).

Back when I had a flatter stomach, I used to love flaunting it. I still have this light blue top that shows off just the slightest of my tummy and my navel and I used to wear it when I went out a lot. Even with constipation, I often had a bout or two of diarrhea a week, so it helped balance out my stomach. But nowadays, my stomach is bloated from the day I wake up till night. Sometimes it gets worse in the evenings, the bulge on my lower abdomen sometimes makes people think I am five months pregnant. How awful!

On an unrelated note, I need some advice. You see, I have eight piercings on my ears, one on my navel, and I had one on my nose (which I took out and plan to get it re-pierced). Recently, I have this urge to get pierced and inked, and I'm sure it's not part of my manic condition. How do I urge my fiance that it is not, and it is really just a matter of my preference?

P/s: I realise people don't leave comments here, which actually makes me quite sad, but in any case if you want to talk (like, if you suffer from the same condition or just want a listening ear or want to bestow your wisdom upon me), I can be reached at razzberry@gmail.com.

i have nothing

The end of the year bites me like a scorpion. It really stings, and hurts for days, if not weeks. I look back at past achievements, and often feel so small, like I've done nothing at all. I woke up this morning with a nightmare; I remembered something many others may have forgotten. December 2004, the day my car was stolen from me by a person I considered friend and trusted; the same day the Indian Ocean tsunami hit most of Indonesia, India, Sri Lanka and Thailand and several other countries including Malaysia. It was Boxing Day, the day after Christmas. Every year, I am reminded of this incident and I feel instantly down. While everyone else is celebrating around the world, there are people who are reminded of their lost loved ones, and are feeling sad around the world. How do we really move on?

The Christmas lights blink in front of my eyes. I see them clearly, even when I am not looking. The path of emptiness is one I have to travel alone. So maybe I can help what I think, but I can't help what I feel. But life has to go on, even if betrayal and hurt line my past and eat into my soul day after day. I have loved and lost. I have trusted friends and been hurt. But today, I am loved. Shouldn't I be thankful and just be happy? But why can't I?

It's raining outside and my stomach hurts like crazy. I woke up bloated again today, possibly from consuming a lot of food yesterday. There's not a day without bloating and it really gets to me. It may seem like a normal thing, but seriously, when my stomach is bloated I can sometimes look like I'm at least three months pregnant. It's really demotivating, and pulls me down, and everything I try on doesn't seem to help. I can't wear most of my clothes; either they don't fit or they make me look pregnant. I've been hiding them under loose and baggy clothes. The weight gain doesn't help too, really. I really can't wear at least 70% of the clothes in my closet and I feel so hopeless. I just want to be cured of everything. I want my bipolar disorder to go away so I can be happy and really enjoy Christmas and all the other days in the year. I want my weight to go away, so I can be thin and enjoy looking at myself again, and I don't have to resort to vomiting to be thin. I want my bloating to go away, so I can wear clothes that are tight around the tummy, or to be able to show off my cute belly button ring.

But God doesn't seem to listen. And I am beginning to feel impatient. So really, what do I do now?