oh, finally! a purpose for the blog!

I've always known this blog would come to use someday, and for today it's to track my list of serious ailments, doctors and treatments, just in case I forget:

Bipolar disorder: Dr Yen Teck Hoe (treatment still at varying stage after more than a year)
Cervical spondylosis: Dr JK Lee (Methylcobal & Arcoxia)
Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome: Dr Kim Wong (Yaz - birth control)
Acne: Dr Rokiah (Tetracycline)
Irritable Bowel Syndrome: Dr Goh Khean Lee (treatment yet to begin)
Suspected Tinnitus: Dr Gopala (hearing test on Friday)

Other supplements I take: Omega Fish Oil and good bacteria

an empty shell

For many years, I thought what I had was simply inferiority complex, or low self-esteem. Even when the doctors started naming my condition, I was still in denial. It didn't make it feel any better, knowing what I have.

Let me tell you how time could easily be wasted. I spent 7 months of my life not doing anything. It didn't quite hit me how badly it was until I started realising that American Idol was down to its Top 4 contestants, people around me were starting to move at a desired pace, shows after shows came and went.

I have lost passion for anything. I know it may just be a down phase, but how long this will last I'm not sure. All I know is I don't know how I can ever recover from this condition, how long I will be on medications, or how many more days I have to count from now until the day I am alright again.

Friends around me have conquered their Master's degree, went on to doing their PhD. Some have left the country and came back with greater qualifications and experiences. Some have done great in performances after performances. And I simply have no motivation to do anything. I have not auditioned for anything. I have not shown interest in anything. I've tried candle making, I've tried cooking, I've tried simply watching TV. Nothing intrigues me. Nothing. Zilch.

I am just an empty shell, lonely and depressed. Please tell me this would end somehow.

lost

i've been on medications so long that i've become delusional. nothing seems to be enjoyable anymore. i'm trying to lose weight but i have no motivation. this feels crap. i feel down. i feel so down. i don't know what to do anymore.

explanation overdue

Maybe I just want to tell a story. Maybe I'd be more comfortable naming this other person some other name, just for the story's sake. Let's call her Cindy. What happened to Cindy on New Year's Eve, some may ask. So here's what really happened.

Cindy wanted to be happy. Cindy desperately wanted to be happy. It was New Year's Eve after a horrible year, and she wanted to be happy. So she locked herself in the room and cried buckets, while thinking of what she could do to be happy. She saw the bottle of lithium lying next to her bed, and thought, "Well, maybe this is a miracle pill." See, you have to forgive Cindy; she can get delusional thanks to the disorder she suffers from. So she took a miracle pill wanting to feel better. When it didn't work, she got frustrated and swallowed more than half the bottle. It hit her quick; she instantly felt woozy and decided to lie down. She went in and out of consciousness, until the door opened and in came her fiance who made her throw up.

The next thing she remembered was when she arrived at the hospital. She could walk again, so she suspected she had vomited most of it anyway. But she stayed anyway, and got her stomach flushed out (which was a horrible experience), and subsequently sent to the psychiatric ward.

Many people thought Cindy tried to kill herself, but in a way, Cindy didn't. Cindy just wanted to feel better, but when she didn't, she thought death was the best way to solve everything. And then she sent messages to some close friends about her intention. Maybe because she didn't really want to die. Maybe she just wanted help. Maybe she just wanted to be understood.

But in the end, the only one who truly understands remains to be her shadow.

light at the end of the tunnel

I would use the word "demobilising". I have no idea if the word really exists, but depression (or bipolar disorder,) since the doctor now does not know what to name it, is truly demobilising. You see dirty dishes around the house; I should clean them but I can't. I've skipped two rehearsals so far and I NEVER skip rehearsals. You have so much you want to do, but you have to keep telling yourself "tomorrow". Because, somehow, you think that you'll be better tomorrow. Somehow I don't feel endless or hopeless. I'm very hopeful. That's probably the oddest thing about what I'm suffering from. Most people tell me that when they're depressed they feel like they just want to end their life - I on the other hand just want to feel better.

That was actually how I ended up with lithium overdose. I didn't want to die, I just wanted to feel better. And as sad as it sounds, people with mental disorders tend to be very delusional. I was deluded in thinking that a bunch of lithium pills could make me happier but they couldn't. So I thought, "what the heck, I might as well die". So even if I had the intention to die, it was very... last minute.

I want to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel, but seriously, don't we all?

Emotional journal:
Today I feel calm, tired, sick, yet excited for rehearsals tonight.