Maybe I just want to tell a story. Maybe I'd be more comfortable naming this other person some other name, just for the story's sake. Let's call her Cindy. What happened to Cindy on New Year's Eve, some may ask. So here's what really happened.
Cindy wanted to be happy. Cindy desperately wanted to be happy. It was New Year's Eve after a horrible year, and she wanted to be happy. So she locked herself in the room and cried buckets, while thinking of what she could do to be happy. She saw the bottle of lithium lying next to her bed, and thought, "Well, maybe this is a miracle pill." See, you have to forgive Cindy; she can get delusional thanks to the disorder she suffers from. So she took a miracle pill wanting to feel better. When it didn't work, she got frustrated and swallowed more than half the bottle. It hit her quick; she instantly felt woozy and decided to lie down. She went in and out of consciousness, until the door opened and in came her fiance who made her throw up.
The next thing she remembered was when she arrived at the hospital. She could walk again, so she suspected she had vomited most of it anyway. But she stayed anyway, and got her stomach flushed out (which was a horrible experience), and subsequently sent to the psychiatric ward.
Many people thought Cindy tried to kill herself, but in a way, Cindy didn't. Cindy just wanted to feel better, but when she didn't, she thought death was the best way to solve everything. And then she sent messages to some close friends about her intention. Maybe because she didn't really want to die. Maybe she just wanted help. Maybe she just wanted to be understood.
But in the end, the only one who truly understands remains to be her shadow.
Showing posts with label suicide watch. Show all posts
Showing posts with label suicide watch. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Monday, January 4, 2010
promises
When it feels so dark on the inside, and the walls always seem to outrun you, I grasp to what little belief I have left in myself, and I go from point to point trying to remain unharmed, and to not harm others. I know the consequences of my actions, and the knowledge that I will have to live with this for the rest of my life. Simple erasers cannot be used to erase these memories. They stain you and cling on to you like mud on a fresh pair of linens. The regret I wake up with seems to outweigh the guilt, and since I am already ridden up to the brim with guilt, everything seems so bleak and thirsty. And I am hungry for change.
What measure of desperation would one go to in order to fulfill one's promises?
I will not do it again...
But looking back, I cannot live with my hands bound and my feet tied up against my head with no air to breathe and little space to move.
I need to know it's all worth it in the end. That life, like death, could be so near it brushes through my feet, and I will be awakened to see it happen.
Through black sky and blue, I pray through and through.
What measure of desperation would one go to in order to fulfill one's promises?
I will not do it again...
But looking back, I cannot live with my hands bound and my feet tied up against my head with no air to breathe and little space to move.
I need to know it's all worth it in the end. That life, like death, could be so near it brushes through my feet, and I will be awakened to see it happen.
Through black sky and blue, I pray through and through.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
my new year's resolutions
I was discharged yesterday and got home yesterday, thanks to my very understanding family who really want the best for me. I will start treatment with a different doctor on Tuesday, and right now I am on a different set of medication (after overdosing on lithium). I am currently put on Lexapro, Epilim, Lorazepam, and Seroquel XR (although I'm still not able to find Seroquel XR, despite the doctor who prescribed it saying it's a common drug in Malaysia). A little research on Seroquel XR shows that it's a common drug used to treat patients with schizophrenia with high success rate in treating bipolar disorder.
However, medications aside, I have decided to come up with my own set of "treatment methods", which involve focusing on other matters at hand. JJ and I went through a really rough phase where we were both very angry at each other (I at his incapability to understand my pain, him at my foolishness, although after this episode he now knows why I do what I do), and I think we have emerged stronger as a couple and as a team. I say "team" because that's what I need in facing this threat: a strong support team.
After Thursday, I can no longer dare say that I have full control over my own disorder; it has shown to be stronger than I am. But like I said, the only way when you hit rock bottom is up, and I plan to do exactly just that: get up.
My New Year's resolution(s) are simple this year:
1) Stay alive
2) Get well and treated, no matter what it takes
3) Find coping mechanisms that work for me
4) Measure small accomplishments every day and make them count
5) Learn to love myself
Today, taking time to cut JJ's hair felt therapeutic to me. I must thank him for being my "guinea pig", but now I also know that focusing my energies on something helps take my mind off matters. I have also learned throughout the weekend that I should not let, even doctors, get me down by saying things like, "The bipolar condition that you have is extremely difficult to treat (I also peeked into the letter written by my doctor as reference to another doctor that I suffer from 'ultra rapid cycling bipolar disorder')" or "The visions you often have are just voices in your head". I will, however, focus on the positives of this disease, such as channeling my energies into my passions. It's hard to explain, but there is just this tremendous amount of energies flowing all the time, whether it's up or down, and it's overwhelming all the time. But finding the balance; that is the key. I just need to stay alive and keep pushing, and sooner or later I will find the way.
However, medications aside, I have decided to come up with my own set of "treatment methods", which involve focusing on other matters at hand. JJ and I went through a really rough phase where we were both very angry at each other (I at his incapability to understand my pain, him at my foolishness, although after this episode he now knows why I do what I do), and I think we have emerged stronger as a couple and as a team. I say "team" because that's what I need in facing this threat: a strong support team.
After Thursday, I can no longer dare say that I have full control over my own disorder; it has shown to be stronger than I am. But like I said, the only way when you hit rock bottom is up, and I plan to do exactly just that: get up.
My New Year's resolution(s) are simple this year:
1) Stay alive
2) Get well and treated, no matter what it takes
3) Find coping mechanisms that work for me
4) Measure small accomplishments every day and make them count
5) Learn to love myself
Today, taking time to cut JJ's hair felt therapeutic to me. I must thank him for being my "guinea pig", but now I also know that focusing my energies on something helps take my mind off matters. I have also learned throughout the weekend that I should not let, even doctors, get me down by saying things like, "The bipolar condition that you have is extremely difficult to treat (I also peeked into the letter written by my doctor as reference to another doctor that I suffer from 'ultra rapid cycling bipolar disorder')" or "The visions you often have are just voices in your head". I will, however, focus on the positives of this disease, such as channeling my energies into my passions. It's hard to explain, but there is just this tremendous amount of energies flowing all the time, whether it's up or down, and it's overwhelming all the time. But finding the balance; that is the key. I just need to stay alive and keep pushing, and sooner or later I will find the way.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
2010 and where i am
I wouldn't want to reveal too much, but just enough to say that I am now in a psychiatric ward, and I hope to be released soon. My intentions and wishes are clear; although yes I did lose control and ended up here, but I really want to go home. There is no way to go when you hit rock bottom, except up. And I will go up again. I will be strong again. I just need a strong support group and a comfortable place to be in to grow. Not here. Keep me in your thoughts and prayers, and pray that I am able to leave this place soon, rather than not knowing when or indefinitely.
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