my new year's resolutions

I was discharged yesterday and got home yesterday, thanks to my very understanding family who really want the best for me. I will start treatment with a different doctor on Tuesday, and right now I am on a different set of medication (after overdosing on lithium). I am currently put on Lexapro, Epilim, Lorazepam, and Seroquel XR (although I'm still not able to find Seroquel XR, despite the doctor who prescribed it saying it's a common drug in Malaysia). A little research on Seroquel XR shows that it's a common drug used to treat patients with schizophrenia with high success rate in treating bipolar disorder.

However, medications aside, I have decided to come up with my own set of "treatment methods", which involve focusing on other matters at hand. JJ and I went through a really rough phase where we were both very angry at each other (I at his incapability to understand my pain, him at my foolishness, although after this episode he now knows why I do what I do), and I think we have emerged stronger as a couple and as a team. I say "team" because that's what I need in facing this threat: a strong support team.

After Thursday, I can no longer dare say that I have full control over my own disorder; it has shown to be stronger than I am. But like I said, the only way when you hit rock bottom is up, and I plan to do exactly just that: get up.

My New Year's resolution(s) are simple this year:
1) Stay alive
2) Get well and treated, no matter what it takes
3) Find coping mechanisms that work for me
4) Measure small accomplishments every day and make them count
5) Learn to love myself

Today, taking time to cut JJ's hair felt therapeutic to me. I must thank him for being my "guinea pig", but now I also know that focusing my energies on something helps take my mind off matters. I have also learned throughout the weekend that I should not let, even doctors, get me down by saying things like, "The bipolar condition that you have is extremely difficult to treat (I also peeked into the letter written by my doctor as reference to another doctor that I suffer from 'ultra rapid cycling bipolar disorder')" or "The visions you often have are just voices in your head". I will, however, focus on the positives of this disease, such as channeling my energies into my passions. It's hard to explain, but there is just this tremendous amount of energies flowing all the time, whether it's up or down, and it's overwhelming all the time. But finding the balance; that is the key. I just need to stay alive and keep pushing, and sooner or later I will find the way.