light at the end of the tunnel

I would use the word "demobilising". I have no idea if the word really exists, but depression (or bipolar disorder,) since the doctor now does not know what to name it, is truly demobilising. You see dirty dishes around the house; I should clean them but I can't. I've skipped two rehearsals so far and I NEVER skip rehearsals. You have so much you want to do, but you have to keep telling yourself "tomorrow". Because, somehow, you think that you'll be better tomorrow. Somehow I don't feel endless or hopeless. I'm very hopeful. That's probably the oddest thing about what I'm suffering from. Most people tell me that when they're depressed they feel like they just want to end their life - I on the other hand just want to feel better.

That was actually how I ended up with lithium overdose. I didn't want to die, I just wanted to feel better. And as sad as it sounds, people with mental disorders tend to be very delusional. I was deluded in thinking that a bunch of lithium pills could make me happier but they couldn't. So I thought, "what the heck, I might as well die". So even if I had the intention to die, it was very... last minute.

I want to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel, but seriously, don't we all?

Emotional journal:
Today I feel calm, tired, sick, yet excited for rehearsals tonight.