i have nothing

The end of the year bites me like a scorpion. It really stings, and hurts for days, if not weeks. I look back at past achievements, and often feel so small, like I've done nothing at all. I woke up this morning with a nightmare; I remembered something many others may have forgotten. December 2004, the day my car was stolen from me by a person I considered friend and trusted; the same day the Indian Ocean tsunami hit most of Indonesia, India, Sri Lanka and Thailand and several other countries including Malaysia. It was Boxing Day, the day after Christmas. Every year, I am reminded of this incident and I feel instantly down. While everyone else is celebrating around the world, there are people who are reminded of their lost loved ones, and are feeling sad around the world. How do we really move on?

The Christmas lights blink in front of my eyes. I see them clearly, even when I am not looking. The path of emptiness is one I have to travel alone. So maybe I can help what I think, but I can't help what I feel. But life has to go on, even if betrayal and hurt line my past and eat into my soul day after day. I have loved and lost. I have trusted friends and been hurt. But today, I am loved. Shouldn't I be thankful and just be happy? But why can't I?

It's raining outside and my stomach hurts like crazy. I woke up bloated again today, possibly from consuming a lot of food yesterday. There's not a day without bloating and it really gets to me. It may seem like a normal thing, but seriously, when my stomach is bloated I can sometimes look like I'm at least three months pregnant. It's really demotivating, and pulls me down, and everything I try on doesn't seem to help. I can't wear most of my clothes; either they don't fit or they make me look pregnant. I've been hiding them under loose and baggy clothes. The weight gain doesn't help too, really. I really can't wear at least 70% of the clothes in my closet and I feel so hopeless. I just want to be cured of everything. I want my bipolar disorder to go away so I can be happy and really enjoy Christmas and all the other days in the year. I want my weight to go away, so I can be thin and enjoy looking at myself again, and I don't have to resort to vomiting to be thin. I want my bloating to go away, so I can wear clothes that are tight around the tummy, or to be able to show off my cute belly button ring.

But God doesn't seem to listen. And I am beginning to feel impatient. So really, what do I do now?