a second opinion

Today, I went to see another psychiatrist to obtain a second opinion. He confirmed that it was definitely bipolar disorder; there was no doubt about it. But I must say, I feel more comfortable with this doctor, and he's willing to talk and listen, and even has a witty sense of humour, which I believe would be very helpful towards my condition. I have decided to stick with this new doctor, and will be seeing him again soon. I like his nonchalant way of looking at things. When I told him I was also bulimic, he nonchalantly said that it was okay as long as I didn't vomit my medications out. And then he went on to explain that the bulimia issue would have to be resolved after this bipolar disorder was better managed.

I liked the fact that my mother and fiance were both there to support me - two of the most important people of my pathetic life. I actually feel like I am someone when I am with them, otherwise I feel so small and useless. The doctor explained that people with bipolar disorder need better medication to control the lows, because when people with bipolar disorder experienced lows, they feel much much lower than people with unipolar depression. Bipolar is starting to sound much scarier, honestly. I was mainly just crying in his office, not being able to say anything or answer his questions. I felt like I was put in the witness stand, and really, thank God for JJ for answering all the doctor's questions.

He asked if I hear voices or experience psychosis, and he asked if I feel like I have magical powers while I'm on my highs. I guess I never really gave much thought to it - I usually don't realise much when I'm on my highs, but I realise now that whenever I opened my windows whenever I felt high, I sometimes believed that I could fly. I would have idealistic views like wanting to open a school, a cafe, a bakery, a blogshop, anything! But when the lows hit, I instantly crawl back into my comfort zone and feel lowly, as if I cannot do anything. It is self-demoralising, and very devastating. It's like constantly having a battle with my own self.

The medications have been increased, and he suggested adding on lithium to the combination. He gave three options, and told me to go home to think about them. I guess I'll have to make my decision, and he'll deliberate. I told the doctor I needed someone I could reach whenever I was feeling down - I needed someone reliable. He gave me his cellphone number and told me I could call him before 5pm every day, but even if it's after I could still send him a text message and he would reply me or call me the day after. It was reassuring.

I have faith that this time around, it will work. I've been battling this since I was 16, I really want to know that there is an end to this. I have read that there is no cure for bipolar disorder, but I am hopeful - I want to believe that I could at least live a more fulfilling life despite this disorder. I want to have more high days than the lows.

On another note, I changed my new nose piercing today and it started to bleed. I actually realise I enjoy the pain, because it makes me feel alive. I need to feel alive so badly sometimes, I would die for it. That's the irony of my life.

Until my next posting, I'll keep my fingers crossed that tomorrow will be a better day. If you are reading this, I would really appreciate it if you could keep me in your thoughts and prayers.