electroconvulsive therapy - a suggestion

I'm starting to get desperate. What bums me most is the fact that one minute I can be breaking down, brimming with tears, and the next: I am completely fine. Today was my second appointment with the new psychiatrist, whom we shall call Dr J. I must honestly say that I feel much more comfortable with this new doctor, because he listens and doesn't seem judgmental. I think I cried at least seven times in the span of 45 minutes to an hour that we spent in his office. It really is painful. I had a rough evening yesterday, and I ended up crying and huddling up in the couch while talking to my fiance. Sometimes I just break down for no particular reason. The doctor says that it's normal for people with bipolar disorder to feel down with no particular trigger. Symptoms like irritability and anxiety are among the symptoms of the "down" phase.

It was the little things that got to me: my nose piercing not being in the right place, my imperfections (including the scars I got from self-mutilation), how everyone else seems so mature and confident while I seem to be falling apart. He explained that even the most mature of persons may feel down, and the down phase is simply more painful for people suffering from bipolar disorder, most likely due to the rapid cycling phase (the ups and downs in spurts of now and then, I'd say).

I started opening up. I became more honest. I told him the truth - I wanted to die. I felt like it seemed too easy to just let go and that I believed that if I died, I would go to a happy place where everything will seem fine again. I know it sounded absurd, it still does, but I really do believe that when I die, I will go to a happy place and all these pain will just... go away.

Perhaps my desperation gave it all away - I suppose it was a cry for help. Maybe I want help. I mean, I don't know (which is also a phrase he suggested I stopped using, maybe he thought I should acknowledge how I really felt to deal with it). But I really don't know. At one point or another, I feel like letting someone help me would make me feel better again. But sometimes, I worry about losing control. I need to get what little control I have of my life.

Dr J suggested a "quick fix" for my suicidal thoughts - electroconvulsive therapy. According to him, I would have to be hospitalised for two weeks while I undergo a series of four to six sessions of electroconvulsive shocks. These shocks will send signals to my body, I may experience seizure and memory loss. I might not recall incidences that happened the day before, or hours before. I may become disoriented, but he claims that the success rate is 100%. Of course, he said that there would be risks when it comes to anesthesia. My fiance wanted me admitted immediately, I think he was really worried for me. But I wanted to take some time to think about it; it is, after all, a decision that would mean I have to let someone else take control. He said, right before we left, that sometimes I should "let others take control". I think he's probably right. He also mentioned to JJ that he should monitor my medication intake just in case I decide to overdose on them. That actually put a smile on my face.

Anyway, I put some thought into what he said and did some research. Wikipedia's the most convenient place to obtain information and this is what I got:

"Electroconvulsive therapy (ECT), also known as electroshock, is a well-established, albeit controversial, psychiatric treatment in which seizures are electrically induced in anesthetized patients for therapeutic effect. Today, ECT is most often used as a treatment for severe major depression which has not responded to other treatment,[1] and is also used in the treatment of mania (often in bipolar disorder), catatonia and schizophrenia. It was first introduced in the 1930s[2] and gained widespread use as a form of treatment in the 1940s and 1950s; today, an estimated 1 million people worldwide receive ECT every year,[3] usually in a course of 6–12 treatments administered 2 or 3 times a week."

They also name cognitive deficits and memory loss as side effects of the therapy. And some famous names who have subscribed to this method of therapy include Judy Garland, Carrie Fisher (yes, yes it's Princess Leia), Paulo Coelho, Ernest Hemingway, Sylvia Plath, Vivien Leigh, Yves Saint-Laurent and Edie Sedgwick.

Given the long list of names of people who have undergone this form of therapy, I would personally consider it if the situation gets worse. The only sad truth is that I may not be capable of making that decision when I am at my lowest point. Dr J, did, however, mention that I could get admitted without going through the therapy in case I needed to be monitored. I would like to think that I still have little control over my mind, and with some motivation and strength, I pray that I will be able to get through, with or without medication.

As an update, I am now on Remeron, Lamictal, Lexapro, Rivotril, Xanax and I've just started on Lithium. I would update the dosages later, and will update accordingly on whether they work. If anyone is reading this at all, and especially if you're going through the same condition as I am, share with me your thoughts please. I feel so alone, and I don't want to be alone. There must be someone out there who knows what I'm feeling.

Until then, love to all. And goodnight. I certainly hope I would be able to get some sleep tonight.