I want to believe that I'm on my way to recovery. Had a meeting with the psychiatrist on Thursday, and he wanted to know how I was feeling so I told him that I was feeling too "flat". He explained that I had perhaps finally reached a sense of normalcy (though normalcy may be overrated) but that I was reacting the way I was because I was so used to the ups and downs to consider that "normal".
So all in all, I'm finally normal. *claps*
But on a serious note, I was quite desperate to feel the way I used to, because I feel along with mania, for example, came creativity and anger and passion, and with depression came loneliness, sadness and guilt. I needed to feel all those to live; without them I felt like I was simply surviving and empty.
So he toggled with the medications a little, and hopefully I could feel a little on the "high" side. I don't know if it's working, but I did wake up yesterday feeling a little anxious and today I had need for less sleep (signs of mania). But I wouldn't call this mania at all, not even close to hypomania.
But what I do know is that I'm on my way to recovery. And this is probably one of the most positive moments in the history of my life. So why do I feel so empty?
I realise while browsing through Jobstreet.com yesterday that if I had to get a corporate job, the only corporate job that would make me happy was if I could be a lawyer. I abandoned my law plans when I hit depression, and now I'm thinking of going back. Money is of course, an issue, but I hope I could find a way to work things out. In the meantime, the best course of action for me is to stay home and work until I feel much better. So writing it is then. And I may start teaching again in March.
I wanted to do an overall report, so in the case of my bloating, I'm getting worse these days. I took a fiber drink last night and I hope it's going to work. In any case, I'm going to take on Herbalife which I've heard good reviews of. It'll also help in my weight management which is going out the window these days (the good news is I haven't been bulimic for at least a month now). Wish me luck!
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
subdued
i've actually been pretty normal these days. not too hyper not too low. i don't know if it's a good feeling; i feel subdued. sometimes i wish i could go off medications, they somehow inhibit my creativity and memory. but i know disaster would happen if i did. i wonder if i could be properly cured, yet i appreciate the downs, because with the downs come the highs, and i haven't had any episode of real high since... i don't know, christmas? ever since then i've been riding on the middle line.
i'm not sure what to do. a part of me wants to be normal, but a part of me actually loves me for who i am, despite the highs and lows.
i'm not sure what to do. a part of me wants to be normal, but a part of me actually loves me for who i am, despite the highs and lows.
Friday, January 22, 2010
dreams
Stomach's hurting, I think most likely due to aggravation or unbalance in acidity or something. It's gurgling, and I need food desperately. Pizza's slated to arrive in 45 minutes. But most importantly, I'm bloated again. Doesn't my stomach get tired of bloating everyday? How odd.
This series of illnesses have robbed me of my self-confidence and self-esteem. Recently, I am reduced to a person who's afraid of almost everything. I feel like I've fewer friends now, but it's great to know at least that the few friends I have left most likely love me for who I am. But then again I don't know. I can only dream.
Dreams hurt sometimes.
And then I wake up and it hurts even more.
This series of illnesses have robbed me of my self-confidence and self-esteem. Recently, I am reduced to a person who's afraid of almost everything. I feel like I've fewer friends now, but it's great to know at least that the few friends I have left most likely love me for who I am. But then again I don't know. I can only dream.
Dreams hurt sometimes.
And then I wake up and it hurts even more.
superpowers
If I could be blessed with ONE power, I would opt for the power to heal others and myself, physically and emotionally.
On another note, sometimes I truly believe I can fly. But then I'd be selfish.
On another note, sometimes I truly believe I can fly. But then I'd be selfish.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
90210
I'm sitting here watching 90210 Season 2 and my mind is traveling a billion places. I started hearing voices again. It's a random knock or two, saying my name gently, behind closed doors. I open them and find nothing. Nothing.
I feel like tears do nothing for me anymore. I battle self-injury in a different way; so I get piercings. I find they help me immensely, and I don't care what people say.
But I do. I do. And I just feel all empty inside all the time. And the quietness all around me just disappear.
I feel like tears do nothing for me anymore. I battle self-injury in a different way; so I get piercings. I find they help me immensely, and I don't care what people say.
But I do. I do. And I just feel all empty inside all the time. And the quietness all around me just disappear.
Monday, January 18, 2010
i can't...
... live like this. one day i want something, the next i just don't want it anymore. one morning i wake up and i'm fine, the next i'm not.
i
can't
do
this
anymore
.
i
can't
do
this
anymore
.
what is bipolar disorder?
It might actually be time to consult my doctor again; this is my fourth sleepless night. I went to bed around 10ish, and slipped in and out of sleep, until I couldn't take it anymore and just woke up around 4 and haven't gone back to bed since then (it is now 6am).
Anyway, I've had some people asking me about bipolar disorder recently, and I would like to share some information about what bipolar disorder is, and some ways to cope (which, as my blog chronicles, I'm still learning). Taken off the US National Institute of Mental Health:
What is Bipolar Disorder?
Bipolar Disorder, also known as manic-depressive illness, is a serious medical illness that causes shifts in a person's mood, energy, and ability to function. Different from the normal ups and downs that everyone goes through, the symptoms of bipolar disorder are severe.
Signs & Symptoms
Bipolar disorder causes dramatic mood swings from overly "high" and/or irritable to sad and hopeless, and then back again, often with periods of normal mood in between. Severe changes in energy and behavior go along with these changes in mood. The periods of highs and lows are called episodes of mania and depression.
PERSONAL NOTE: There are many other signs and symptoms involved; if you think you suffer from bipolar disorder, kindly contact a trusted psychiatrist who can help diagnose you correctly. Also kindly note that the correct diagnosis may take time, even now my doctor is reluctant to place a name for my condition, although I am on medications for bipolar symptoms. Talk with your doctor, as sometimes it is best to treat the symptoms than a "disease" in particular when it comes to mental illness.
Treatment
Most people with bipolar disorder can achieve substantial stabilization of their mood swings and related symptoms over time with proper treatment. A strategy that combines medication and psychosocial treatment is optimal for managing the disorder over time.
PERSONAL NOTE: I personally think that several coping mechanisms help when it comes to bipolar disorder.
1) The "Ups" or mania
As this can be characterised from extreme changes such as being overly happy or easily agitated, breathing exercises may help. I still get irritated easily when I get manic, but I've learned to count from one to ten whenever I have those flares. I've also learned to ignore the "voices" and to get on with the programme whenever possible. Allowing myself to sometimes "indulge" in the manic phase sometimes makes me feel better (in a way, I find it an overcompensating mechanism for my depressive states); hence, piercings or shopping sprees make me feel better.
Keywords: Breathing exercises, counting before making a decision, ignore the voices; get used to them (they'd probably stick with you for life, I've been hearing them since I was young). Also, sometimes (WARNING: this is my own personal advice) indulge in your mania. It makes you feel good, though you may regret it the day after. But heck, at least you're kept happy for a while.
2) The "Lows" or depression
This is when I feel completely useless. I could lie in bed all day feeling unproductive and mellow. I've learned that when I am in my depressive state, talking always helps. It is when I can no longer talk about it that drives me to thinking about things like suicide. The truth is, I "attempted" suicide about 2-3 weeks ago on New Year's eve, and if anything, being in the psychiatric ward does not help either. So I've learned that when I am down, the best possible thing is to sometimes just let it ride through. Speak to someone you trust; I pick several close friends and there is of course my fiance.
Keywords: communication, communication, communication. If you don't feel like talking to people whom you think will not understand, pick the ones you know who will. Join an online support group. I am on dailystrength.org.
On another note, I "indulged" in a manic phase and allowed myself to get two new conch piercings.
P/s: ignore the slight goriness, this was taken right after the piercings were done. And already I'm thinking of getting another one. Which brings me to the topic of self-control (which I think I shall talk about in my next post).
Anyway, I've had some people asking me about bipolar disorder recently, and I would like to share some information about what bipolar disorder is, and some ways to cope (which, as my blog chronicles, I'm still learning). Taken off the US National Institute of Mental Health:
What is Bipolar Disorder?
Bipolar Disorder, also known as manic-depressive illness, is a serious medical illness that causes shifts in a person's mood, energy, and ability to function. Different from the normal ups and downs that everyone goes through, the symptoms of bipolar disorder are severe.
Signs & Symptoms
Bipolar disorder causes dramatic mood swings from overly "high" and/or irritable to sad and hopeless, and then back again, often with periods of normal mood in between. Severe changes in energy and behavior go along with these changes in mood. The periods of highs and lows are called episodes of mania and depression.
PERSONAL NOTE: There are many other signs and symptoms involved; if you think you suffer from bipolar disorder, kindly contact a trusted psychiatrist who can help diagnose you correctly. Also kindly note that the correct diagnosis may take time, even now my doctor is reluctant to place a name for my condition, although I am on medications for bipolar symptoms. Talk with your doctor, as sometimes it is best to treat the symptoms than a "disease" in particular when it comes to mental illness.
Treatment
Most people with bipolar disorder can achieve substantial stabilization of their mood swings and related symptoms over time with proper treatment. A strategy that combines medication and psychosocial treatment is optimal for managing the disorder over time.
PERSONAL NOTE: I personally think that several coping mechanisms help when it comes to bipolar disorder.
1) The "Ups" or mania
As this can be characterised from extreme changes such as being overly happy or easily agitated, breathing exercises may help. I still get irritated easily when I get manic, but I've learned to count from one to ten whenever I have those flares. I've also learned to ignore the "voices" and to get on with the programme whenever possible. Allowing myself to sometimes "indulge" in the manic phase sometimes makes me feel better (in a way, I find it an overcompensating mechanism for my depressive states); hence, piercings or shopping sprees make me feel better.
Keywords: Breathing exercises, counting before making a decision, ignore the voices; get used to them (they'd probably stick with you for life, I've been hearing them since I was young). Also, sometimes (WARNING: this is my own personal advice) indulge in your mania. It makes you feel good, though you may regret it the day after. But heck, at least you're kept happy for a while.
2) The "Lows" or depression
This is when I feel completely useless. I could lie in bed all day feeling unproductive and mellow. I've learned that when I am in my depressive state, talking always helps. It is when I can no longer talk about it that drives me to thinking about things like suicide. The truth is, I "attempted" suicide about 2-3 weeks ago on New Year's eve, and if anything, being in the psychiatric ward does not help either. So I've learned that when I am down, the best possible thing is to sometimes just let it ride through. Speak to someone you trust; I pick several close friends and there is of course my fiance.
Keywords: communication, communication, communication. If you don't feel like talking to people whom you think will not understand, pick the ones you know who will. Join an online support group. I am on dailystrength.org.
On another note, I "indulged" in a manic phase and allowed myself to get two new conch piercings.
P/s: ignore the slight goriness, this was taken right after the piercings were done. And already I'm thinking of getting another one. Which brings me to the topic of self-control (which I think I shall talk about in my next post).
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