numbers

I turn 26 tomorrow. Lost hopes and broken dreams, will I ever dance with you again?

oh, finally! a purpose for the blog!

I've always known this blog would come to use someday, and for today it's to track my list of serious ailments, doctors and treatments, just in case I forget:

Bipolar disorder: Dr Yen Teck Hoe (treatment still at varying stage after more than a year)
Cervical spondylosis: Dr JK Lee (Methylcobal & Arcoxia)
Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome: Dr Kim Wong (Yaz - birth control)
Acne: Dr Rokiah (Tetracycline)
Irritable Bowel Syndrome: Dr Goh Khean Lee (treatment yet to begin)
Suspected Tinnitus: Dr Gopala (hearing test on Friday)

Other supplements I take: Omega Fish Oil and good bacteria

bone growth

I read through my old blog posts (which I didn't transfer to this blog) and realised that I used to be smarter, stronger and wiser. Whatever happened to that person, nobody really knows.

Just to add insult to injury, I woke up yesterday with a bad arm ache. I thought I had slept on it, but the pain radiated all through my spine and up until my neck as well. Finally decided to go to Assunta Hospital to get it checked out, and an X-ray showed that I had bone growth on my neck causing it to poke on my nerves, thus hurting me. They sent me home with painkillers and an appointment with an orthopedic on Monday. About treatment, they'll try medication first, but if that doesn't work, surgery has to be the option.

I feel like everyday something bad happens. I'm starting to feel very jinxed. I just don't understand why my body can't take many things other people can take.

As for my acne, I went to see another specialist on Friday. I hope it works this time; I want glowing skin by September. I will reveal why soon enough :).

an empty shell

For many years, I thought what I had was simply inferiority complex, or low self-esteem. Even when the doctors started naming my condition, I was still in denial. It didn't make it feel any better, knowing what I have.

Let me tell you how time could easily be wasted. I spent 7 months of my life not doing anything. It didn't quite hit me how badly it was until I started realising that American Idol was down to its Top 4 contestants, people around me were starting to move at a desired pace, shows after shows came and went.

I have lost passion for anything. I know it may just be a down phase, but how long this will last I'm not sure. All I know is I don't know how I can ever recover from this condition, how long I will be on medications, or how many more days I have to count from now until the day I am alright again.

Friends around me have conquered their Master's degree, went on to doing their PhD. Some have left the country and came back with greater qualifications and experiences. Some have done great in performances after performances. And I simply have no motivation to do anything. I have not auditioned for anything. I have not shown interest in anything. I've tried candle making, I've tried cooking, I've tried simply watching TV. Nothing intrigues me. Nothing. Zilch.

I am just an empty shell, lonely and depressed. Please tell me this would end somehow.

diane 35

right now i don't know for sure what is causing my severe bloating, but i am willing to try anything. current step is to visit a gynaecologist, and she has prescribed me with diane 35, as a treatment for polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS). took a blood test today, and the results will be out in a week to confirm whether i have PCOS or not. diane 35 is basically an oral contraceptive pill, also used to treat acne. so i'm hoping if it doesn't work on my bloating, at least it will help clear up my skin. i still believe what i'm having is strictly hormonal, because for 24 years of my life i had beautiful skin, and all of a sudden in my adult life, i was hit hard with acne, bloating, and weight gain. even depression came back with a force.

i also took a test for thyroid, suspecting myself of having hypothyroidism. like i said, i'm willing to try anything at this point. perhaps my next step if diane 35 doesn't work is to try a food allergy test. there have also been suggestions online that i should try a low-carb diet.

pray with me, and pray for me that this works. i've been struggling with bloating for so long i've begun to lose self-confidence.

rainbow

finding a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow - that's like finding something good beneath something beautiful. life, however, is not like that at all. i've been down, really down, hyper at some moments, but mostly down. i stopped taking herbalife due to my doctor's advice, so now losing weight is my own battle. own, but not only. there are plenty of battles to hopefully win, because if i don't, i may well lose my mind if it was there to begin with.

maybe i try too hard to justify many many things in my life, because i feel like i need to be heard. sometimes it's just so hard to swallow the bitter medicine, and move on and forget about the past. but when the past surely hurt, it continues to hurt. it's like holding a knife on the sharp edge when passing it to someone else - there's always a chance of accidentally cutting yourself. but you do so to protect others. and some of the people i love and have loved - i have loved and love madly.

i went to the gynecologist today to get my bloating checked out. i've been seeing a gastroentrologist for the past (almost) two years, to no avail. the bloating is getting so bad i tend to hide myself either in loose baggy clothing, or in my house. it makes me indecisive - one moment i'd feel like going out, the next my confidence gets a huge stab from the back. i look five months pregnant, and i cannot imagine what would happen if i really got pregnant one day. how will i look?

the gynecologist checked me with an ultrasound and confirmed that there are no fibroids or ovarian cysts. however, i may have a condition known as Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). we need to run a blood test on my second day of period to confirm. that may explain the weight gain, acne and several other symptoms i'm experiencing. however, i don't know how the bloating can be solved. i'm getting desperate, so please leave a comment or send me an e-mail if you have any suggestions.

it's a time of decisions, and i pray i'm making the right decisions and never to regret them later. i wish to live, not simply survive.

sometimes i get so tired of all these.

lost

i've been on medications so long that i've become delusional. nothing seems to be enjoyable anymore. i'm trying to lose weight but i have no motivation. this feels crap. i feel down. i feel so down. i don't know what to do anymore.

broken dreams

i blame you for stopping me from being a lawyer.
i blame you.
and it hurts.
it hurts so bad.

first herbalife shake

First evening on Herbalife. I must admit, it tastes horrible. But I do hope it works in helping me shake off the excess weight, and that we'll have to wait and see. Six months of these shakes, and I surely hope they work on helping me lose and maintain my weight.

everyday is a struggle

Everyday is a struggle.
A struggle to sleep.
A struggle to get up.
A struggle to breathe.
A struggle to live.

But I'm still alive today, and that must mean something.

The struggle must be worth it, somehow.

what do i say?

What do I talk about, really. My mind's at a billion places at the same time. Today, after watching "Valentine's Day", I stepped out of the cinema and instantly it hit. It's hard to explain how it feels; it's sort of a high, but not in a good way. You feel stoned and nothing you do can unravel that knot in your stomach.

I sometimes ask myself why this disease chose me. But I stop myself before daring to wonder further because I know people who are suffering from worse things than I am. And yet people remain so strong. I just don't understand why this disease can be so demobilising. Some days I just want to crawl in bed and not do anything. The house is a mess; I haven't had the energy to clean it up. I hate it when it's messy, and it just aggravates the situation.

So what do I talk about, really? I go on and on about the same things that I've become so tired of who I am. I need to go out, meet new people, and yet I feel socially anxious around people at times. I'm a Libran, I love people. But nowadays I'm just afraid of people. What if they judge me? What if they think I'm too crazy? Or what if they think I'm too passive? Bipolar does that to you. Ups and downs. I'm literally driven crazy and up the wall with this stupid disease. And the fact that it's all in my mind makes it even harder for me to explain why I act the way I do.

But most of the time I'm just stoned. I choose to phase out when I feel like I'm not needed. Sometimes my brain just leaves me, says bye bye and doesn't even want to come back when I beckon. How is this doing any good to me? I simply do not know what to do. Are the medications working? Even if they aren't, I have to pretend that they do, just so people would stop worrying about me. I know two people who truly do. And I don't want to hurt them.

Life is easy... if I know how to live it. But I simply don't.

And on another note, I wish you Happy Chinese New Year and Happy Belated Valentine's Day!

explanation overdue

Maybe I just want to tell a story. Maybe I'd be more comfortable naming this other person some other name, just for the story's sake. Let's call her Cindy. What happened to Cindy on New Year's Eve, some may ask. So here's what really happened.

Cindy wanted to be happy. Cindy desperately wanted to be happy. It was New Year's Eve after a horrible year, and she wanted to be happy. So she locked herself in the room and cried buckets, while thinking of what she could do to be happy. She saw the bottle of lithium lying next to her bed, and thought, "Well, maybe this is a miracle pill." See, you have to forgive Cindy; she can get delusional thanks to the disorder she suffers from. So she took a miracle pill wanting to feel better. When it didn't work, she got frustrated and swallowed more than half the bottle. It hit her quick; she instantly felt woozy and decided to lie down. She went in and out of consciousness, until the door opened and in came her fiance who made her throw up.

The next thing she remembered was when she arrived at the hospital. She could walk again, so she suspected she had vomited most of it anyway. But she stayed anyway, and got her stomach flushed out (which was a horrible experience), and subsequently sent to the psychiatric ward.

Many people thought Cindy tried to kill herself, but in a way, Cindy didn't. Cindy just wanted to feel better, but when she didn't, she thought death was the best way to solve everything. And then she sent messages to some close friends about her intention. Maybe because she didn't really want to die. Maybe she just wanted help. Maybe she just wanted to be understood.

But in the end, the only one who truly understands remains to be her shadow.

frustration

frustrating frustrating frustrating. looking at old pics of myself and i realise how fat i've become. i don't even know who i am anymore when i look into the mirror and see my own reflection. i don't understand; how can someone just gain so much weight all of a sudden and can't shake it loose? i feel fat and horrible.

alone

It's honestly starting to get a little boring staying at home. Sure, I may be working from home but the problem is that I don't get to go out and see things or people. I enjoy working from home, but I guess I can understand why some people prefer working out of home. If I have a friend around the house all the time, it may be different, but for now, I'm mainly alone at home most of the time while JJ goes out to work. So I hope to score a second job starting March. I'm starting slow, I don't think I can go back to the working world with a bang.

Inferiority complex is starting to get to me. I suffer from extremely low self-esteem these days, and it doesn't help that the medications make me put on weight. My acne has also gotten worse which makes my condition worse. I'm currently trying alcohol swabs on my acne; hopefully they'll work. Some say it's too harsh, but I have no choice because nothing else is working. I've even tried Accutane and although it helped clear my skin, it also made me depressed (though I can't directly blame Accutane since I've been suffering from depression since young). It probably triggered it, if anything.

I'm trying to get my lines down, but my memory has been affected by the medications and nowadays it takes me longer to get my lines down. It's also hard for me to remember the small little things, but I'm getting better these days so I'm staying positive.

I just wish I had a close friend to talk to sometimes. It's starting to feel lonely and it's extremely overwhelming. Besides JJ and my mum, I really have no one else to talk to. And since they have teaching jobs, I'm pretty much left alone while they go off to work. The TV and the Internet can only do so much. I think I really need another job, and soon, before I lose my mind. But then again, it worries me because I'm not sure if I can handle another job.

Why am I so indecisive? I wish I could stop being so negative about things. I need to buy some confidence. I wish they were up for sale online.

report: jan 30th 2010

I want to believe that I'm on my way to recovery. Had a meeting with the psychiatrist on Thursday, and he wanted to know how I was feeling so I told him that I was feeling too "flat". He explained that I had perhaps finally reached a sense of normalcy (though normalcy may be overrated) but that I was reacting the way I was because I was so used to the ups and downs to consider that "normal".

So all in all, I'm finally normal. *claps*

But on a serious note, I was quite desperate to feel the way I used to, because I feel along with mania, for example, came creativity and anger and passion, and with depression came loneliness, sadness and guilt. I needed to feel all those to live; without them I felt like I was simply surviving and empty.

So he toggled with the medications a little, and hopefully I could feel a little on the "high" side. I don't know if it's working, but I did wake up yesterday feeling a little anxious and today I had need for less sleep (signs of mania). But I wouldn't call this mania at all, not even close to hypomania.

But what I do know is that I'm on my way to recovery. And this is probably one of the most positive moments in the history of my life. So why do I feel so empty?

I realise while browsing through Jobstreet.com yesterday that if I had to get a corporate job, the only corporate job that would make me happy was if I could be a lawyer. I abandoned my law plans when I hit depression, and now I'm thinking of going back. Money is of course, an issue, but I hope I could find a way to work things out. In the meantime, the best course of action for me is to stay home and work until I feel much better. So writing it is then. And I may start teaching again in March.

I wanted to do an overall report, so in the case of my bloating, I'm getting worse these days. I took a fiber drink last night and I hope it's going to work. In any case, I'm going to take on Herbalife which I've heard good reviews of. It'll also help in my weight management which is going out the window these days (the good news is I haven't been bulimic for at least a month now). Wish me luck!

subdued

i've actually been pretty normal these days. not too hyper not too low. i don't know if it's a good feeling; i feel subdued. sometimes i wish i could go off medications, they somehow inhibit my creativity and memory. but i know disaster would happen if i did. i wonder if i could be properly cured, yet i appreciate the downs, because with the downs come the highs, and i haven't had any episode of real high since... i don't know, christmas? ever since then i've been riding on the middle line.

i'm not sure what to do. a part of me wants to be normal, but a part of me actually loves me for who i am, despite the highs and lows.

dreams

Stomach's hurting, I think most likely due to aggravation or unbalance in acidity or something. It's gurgling, and I need food desperately. Pizza's slated to arrive in 45 minutes. But most importantly, I'm bloated again. Doesn't my stomach get tired of bloating everyday? How odd.

This series of illnesses have robbed me of my self-confidence and self-esteem. Recently, I am reduced to a person who's afraid of almost everything. I feel like I've fewer friends now, but it's great to know at least that the few friends I have left most likely love me for who I am. But then again I don't know. I can only dream.

Dreams hurt sometimes.

And then I wake up and it hurts even more.

superpowers

If I could be blessed with ONE power, I would opt for the power to heal others and myself, physically and emotionally.

On another note, sometimes I truly believe I can fly. But then I'd be selfish.

90210

I'm sitting here watching 90210 Season 2 and my mind is traveling a billion places. I started hearing voices again. It's a random knock or two, saying my name gently, behind closed doors. I open them and find nothing. Nothing.

I feel like tears do nothing for me anymore. I battle self-injury in a different way; so I get piercings. I find they help me immensely, and I don't care what people say.

But I do. I do. And I just feel all empty inside all the time. And the quietness all around me just disappear.

i can't...

... live like this. one day i want something, the next i just don't want it anymore. one morning i wake up and i'm fine, the next i'm not.

i

can't

do

this

anymore

.