what do i say?

What do I talk about, really. My mind's at a billion places at the same time. Today, after watching "Valentine's Day", I stepped out of the cinema and instantly it hit. It's hard to explain how it feels; it's sort of a high, but not in a good way. You feel stoned and nothing you do can unravel that knot in your stomach.

I sometimes ask myself why this disease chose me. But I stop myself before daring to wonder further because I know people who are suffering from worse things than I am. And yet people remain so strong. I just don't understand why this disease can be so demobilising. Some days I just want to crawl in bed and not do anything. The house is a mess; I haven't had the energy to clean it up. I hate it when it's messy, and it just aggravates the situation.

So what do I talk about, really? I go on and on about the same things that I've become so tired of who I am. I need to go out, meet new people, and yet I feel socially anxious around people at times. I'm a Libran, I love people. But nowadays I'm just afraid of people. What if they judge me? What if they think I'm too crazy? Or what if they think I'm too passive? Bipolar does that to you. Ups and downs. I'm literally driven crazy and up the wall with this stupid disease. And the fact that it's all in my mind makes it even harder for me to explain why I act the way I do.

But most of the time I'm just stoned. I choose to phase out when I feel like I'm not needed. Sometimes my brain just leaves me, says bye bye and doesn't even want to come back when I beckon. How is this doing any good to me? I simply do not know what to do. Are the medications working? Even if they aren't, I have to pretend that they do, just so people would stop worrying about me. I know two people who truly do. And I don't want to hurt them.

Life is easy... if I know how to live it. But I simply don't.

And on another note, I wish you Happy Chinese New Year and Happy Belated Valentine's Day!