It's 3.35am here and I can't sleep. I feel so frustrated sometimes I can't seem to explain how I feel. I told a friend today, "Sometimes I wish I was just plain depressed all the time". I know it's unfair to say it but seriously, I was depressed once a long time ago, without the manic episodes, and somehow that felt better. Like you can just lay in bed all day long without the need for justification, while bipolar disorder just kicks you in the ass. Up. Down. Up. Down.
Went to see the psychiatrist again today, Dr Y. He says that he sees change in me. Of course, I was feeling way better earlier. Practically hopped into his office and couldn't sit still. But for whatever reason, I got home, felt really down and just couldn't go for rehearsals. I just slept all the way through, and woke up feeling even worse. It's like a downward spiral, you can't seem to catch yourself before you know what you're going to do next. Scary, I know. But what can I do? Bind myself to the bed so I won't do anything at all?
Today I read that some people in other countries may benefit from disability funds due to bipolar disorder. Unfortunately, in Malaysia, this does not exist. You can be charged for attempted suicide. I hate saying this, but WHAT THE FUCK. I know it sounds unfair but I really wish I could just quit working and focus on getting better. But at the same time, working (especially acting) is what keeps me going. I feel like I could be a different person on stage - a happy one, a bubbly one, a NORMAL one.
Normalcy. Taking it one day at a time, is that normalcy? I thought normal people dare to dream big. Which I used to. What happened to that person I used to know? I feel like I was consumed by a big fat whale and now I have to grope my way in the darkness of its belly.
I just wish I could bring better awareness to suicide prevention and mental disorders.
Friday, January 15, 2010
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Manic high!
right now i'm riding on the high, and it feels good. i can't sleep, and i need to work work work. took my pills, but i actually love how i feel right now :).
Monday, January 11, 2010
light at the end of the tunnel
I would use the word "demobilising". I have no idea if the word really exists, but depression (or bipolar disorder,) since the doctor now does not know what to name it, is truly demobilising. You see dirty dishes around the house; I should clean them but I can't. I've skipped two rehearsals so far and I NEVER skip rehearsals. You have so much you want to do, but you have to keep telling yourself "tomorrow". Because, somehow, you think that you'll be better tomorrow. Somehow I don't feel endless or hopeless. I'm very hopeful. That's probably the oddest thing about what I'm suffering from. Most people tell me that when they're depressed they feel like they just want to end their life - I on the other hand just want to feel better.
That was actually how I ended up with lithium overdose. I didn't want to die, I just wanted to feel better. And as sad as it sounds, people with mental disorders tend to be very delusional. I was deluded in thinking that a bunch of lithium pills could make me happier but they couldn't. So I thought, "what the heck, I might as well die". So even if I had the intention to die, it was very... last minute.
I want to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel, but seriously, don't we all?
Emotional journal:
Today I feel calm, tired, sick, yet excited for rehearsals tonight.
That was actually how I ended up with lithium overdose. I didn't want to die, I just wanted to feel better. And as sad as it sounds, people with mental disorders tend to be very delusional. I was deluded in thinking that a bunch of lithium pills could make me happier but they couldn't. So I thought, "what the heck, I might as well die". So even if I had the intention to die, it was very... last minute.
I want to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel, but seriously, don't we all?
Emotional journal:
Today I feel calm, tired, sick, yet excited for rehearsals tonight.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
new doctor
This is the fourth doctor I've been seeing. I hate trawling around the entire Malaysia trying to find a cure or at least treatment for this disorder that I'm suffering from. Dr Y (the new doctor) says it's not bipolar disorder, but he just says that it's a mood disorder, and it's most important to treat the symptoms instead of focusing on a name to give it. Many people have agreed; a name is just a name. But knowing what it is makes it easier for me to accept it.
I'm now given four different medications - two of which are mood stabilisers used for schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. I think he doesn't want to discount bipolar so soon. The bad news is that I feel extremely low in energy, and in many ways, apathetic. I don't seem to care much. What I need is to feel alive again, even if it means experiencing manic episodes where I sometimes hear voices, want to jump off the balcony, shop like mad, want to drink or dance all night long. But what reason could we have for my manic episodes if it's not bipolar disorder?
In any case, I'm taking a week to see how the medication interacts with my body. The bad news is that I've been skipping two rehearsals so far, and I NEVER skip rehearsals. I feel horrible, but like I said: apathetic. I just hope I'll feel better soon and I'll jump back onto the bandwagon. I'm doing alright, no worries. Suicidal thoughts are too far away (yes, I'm taking myself off the suicide watch). Right now I just want to feel alive. I miss my manic episodes. I haven't experienced them since New Year's eve.
I'm now given four different medications - two of which are mood stabilisers used for schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. I think he doesn't want to discount bipolar so soon. The bad news is that I feel extremely low in energy, and in many ways, apathetic. I don't seem to care much. What I need is to feel alive again, even if it means experiencing manic episodes where I sometimes hear voices, want to jump off the balcony, shop like mad, want to drink or dance all night long. But what reason could we have for my manic episodes if it's not bipolar disorder?
In any case, I'm taking a week to see how the medication interacts with my body. The bad news is that I've been skipping two rehearsals so far, and I NEVER skip rehearsals. I feel horrible, but like I said: apathetic. I just hope I'll feel better soon and I'll jump back onto the bandwagon. I'm doing alright, no worries. Suicidal thoughts are too far away (yes, I'm taking myself off the suicide watch). Right now I just want to feel alive. I miss my manic episodes. I haven't experienced them since New Year's eve.
Monday, January 4, 2010
promises
When it feels so dark on the inside, and the walls always seem to outrun you, I grasp to what little belief I have left in myself, and I go from point to point trying to remain unharmed, and to not harm others. I know the consequences of my actions, and the knowledge that I will have to live with this for the rest of my life. Simple erasers cannot be used to erase these memories. They stain you and cling on to you like mud on a fresh pair of linens. The regret I wake up with seems to outweigh the guilt, and since I am already ridden up to the brim with guilt, everything seems so bleak and thirsty. And I am hungry for change.
What measure of desperation would one go to in order to fulfill one's promises?
I will not do it again...
But looking back, I cannot live with my hands bound and my feet tied up against my head with no air to breathe and little space to move.
I need to know it's all worth it in the end. That life, like death, could be so near it brushes through my feet, and I will be awakened to see it happen.
Through black sky and blue, I pray through and through.
What measure of desperation would one go to in order to fulfill one's promises?
I will not do it again...
But looking back, I cannot live with my hands bound and my feet tied up against my head with no air to breathe and little space to move.
I need to know it's all worth it in the end. That life, like death, could be so near it brushes through my feet, and I will be awakened to see it happen.
Through black sky and blue, I pray through and through.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
my new year's resolutions
I was discharged yesterday and got home yesterday, thanks to my very understanding family who really want the best for me. I will start treatment with a different doctor on Tuesday, and right now I am on a different set of medication (after overdosing on lithium). I am currently put on Lexapro, Epilim, Lorazepam, and Seroquel XR (although I'm still not able to find Seroquel XR, despite the doctor who prescribed it saying it's a common drug in Malaysia). A little research on Seroquel XR shows that it's a common drug used to treat patients with schizophrenia with high success rate in treating bipolar disorder.
However, medications aside, I have decided to come up with my own set of "treatment methods", which involve focusing on other matters at hand. JJ and I went through a really rough phase where we were both very angry at each other (I at his incapability to understand my pain, him at my foolishness, although after this episode he now knows why I do what I do), and I think we have emerged stronger as a couple and as a team. I say "team" because that's what I need in facing this threat: a strong support team.
After Thursday, I can no longer dare say that I have full control over my own disorder; it has shown to be stronger than I am. But like I said, the only way when you hit rock bottom is up, and I plan to do exactly just that: get up.
My New Year's resolution(s) are simple this year:
1) Stay alive
2) Get well and treated, no matter what it takes
3) Find coping mechanisms that work for me
4) Measure small accomplishments every day and make them count
5) Learn to love myself
Today, taking time to cut JJ's hair felt therapeutic to me. I must thank him for being my "guinea pig", but now I also know that focusing my energies on something helps take my mind off matters. I have also learned throughout the weekend that I should not let, even doctors, get me down by saying things like, "The bipolar condition that you have is extremely difficult to treat (I also peeked into the letter written by my doctor as reference to another doctor that I suffer from 'ultra rapid cycling bipolar disorder')" or "The visions you often have are just voices in your head". I will, however, focus on the positives of this disease, such as channeling my energies into my passions. It's hard to explain, but there is just this tremendous amount of energies flowing all the time, whether it's up or down, and it's overwhelming all the time. But finding the balance; that is the key. I just need to stay alive and keep pushing, and sooner or later I will find the way.
However, medications aside, I have decided to come up with my own set of "treatment methods", which involve focusing on other matters at hand. JJ and I went through a really rough phase where we were both very angry at each other (I at his incapability to understand my pain, him at my foolishness, although after this episode he now knows why I do what I do), and I think we have emerged stronger as a couple and as a team. I say "team" because that's what I need in facing this threat: a strong support team.
After Thursday, I can no longer dare say that I have full control over my own disorder; it has shown to be stronger than I am. But like I said, the only way when you hit rock bottom is up, and I plan to do exactly just that: get up.
My New Year's resolution(s) are simple this year:
1) Stay alive
2) Get well and treated, no matter what it takes
3) Find coping mechanisms that work for me
4) Measure small accomplishments every day and make them count
5) Learn to love myself
Today, taking time to cut JJ's hair felt therapeutic to me. I must thank him for being my "guinea pig", but now I also know that focusing my energies on something helps take my mind off matters. I have also learned throughout the weekend that I should not let, even doctors, get me down by saying things like, "The bipolar condition that you have is extremely difficult to treat (I also peeked into the letter written by my doctor as reference to another doctor that I suffer from 'ultra rapid cycling bipolar disorder')" or "The visions you often have are just voices in your head". I will, however, focus on the positives of this disease, such as channeling my energies into my passions. It's hard to explain, but there is just this tremendous amount of energies flowing all the time, whether it's up or down, and it's overwhelming all the time. But finding the balance; that is the key. I just need to stay alive and keep pushing, and sooner or later I will find the way.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
2010 and where i am
I wouldn't want to reveal too much, but just enough to say that I am now in a psychiatric ward, and I hope to be released soon. My intentions and wishes are clear; although yes I did lose control and ended up here, but I really want to go home. There is no way to go when you hit rock bottom, except up. And I will go up again. I will be strong again. I just need a strong support group and a comfortable place to be in to grow. Not here. Keep me in your thoughts and prayers, and pray that I am able to leave this place soon, rather than not knowing when or indefinitely.
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