Living With Bipolar, Bulimia and Bloating

numbers

2010-10-12T15:47:00.001+08:00

I turn 26 tomorrow. Lost hopes and broken dreams, will I ever dance with you again?

oh, finally! a purpose for the blog!

2010-07-13T20:43:00.002+08:00

I've always known this blog would come to use someday, and for today it's to track my list of serious ailments, doctors and treatments, just in case I forget:

Bipolar disorder: Dr Yen Teck Hoe (treatment still at varying stage after more than a year)
Cervical spondylosis: Dr JK Lee (Methylcobal & Arcoxia)
Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome: Dr Kim Wong (Yaz - birth control)
Acne: Dr Rokiah (Tetracycline)
Irritable Bowel Syndrome: Dr Goh Khean Lee (treatment yet to begin)
Suspected Tinnitus: Dr Gopala (hearing test on Friday)

Other supplements I take: Omega Fish Oil and good bacteria

bone growth

2010-07-04T12:13:00.002+08:00

I read through my old blog posts (which I didn't transfer to this blog) and realised that I used to be smarter, stronger and wiser. Whatever happened to that person, nobody really knows.

Just to add insult to injury, I woke up yesterday with a bad arm ache. I thought I had slept on it, but the pain radiated all through my spine and up until my neck as well. Finally decided to go to Assunta Hospital to get it checked out, and an X-ray showed that I had bone growth on my neck causing it to poke on my nerves, thus hurting me. They sent me home with painkillers and an appointment with an orthopedic on Monday. About treatment, they'll try medication first, but if that doesn't work, surgery has to be the option.

I feel like everyday something bad happens. I'm starting to feel very jinxed. I just don't understand why my body can't take many things other people can take.

As for my acne, I went to see another specialist on Friday. I hope it works this time; I want glowing skin by September. I will reveal why soon enough :).

an empty shell

2010-05-14T14:53:00.002+08:00

For many years, I thought what I had was simply inferiority complex, or low self-esteem. Even when the doctors started naming my condition, I was still in denial. It didn't make it feel any better, knowing what I have.

Let me tell you how time could easily be wasted. I spent 7 months of my life not doing anything. It didn't quite hit me how badly it was until I started realising that American Idol was down to its Top 4 contestants, people around me were starting to move at a desired pace, shows after shows came and went.

I have lost passion for anything. I know it may just be a down phase, but how long this will last I'm not sure. All I know is I don't know how I can ever recover from this condition, how long I will be on medications, or how many more days I have to count from now until the day I am alright again.

Friends around me have conquered their Master's degree, went on to doing their PhD. Some have left the country and came back with greater qualifications and experiences. Some have done great in performances after performances. And I simply have no motivation to do anything. I have not auditioned for anything. I have not shown interest in anything. I've tried candle making, I've tried cooking, I've tried simply watching TV. Nothing intrigues me. Nothing. Zilch.

I am just an empty shell, lonely and depressed. Please tell me this would end somehow.

diane 35

2010-04-22T22:41:00.003+08:00

right now i don't know for sure what is causing my severe bloating, but i am willing to try anything. current step is to visit a gynaecologist, and she has prescribed me with diane 35, as a treatment for polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS). took a blood test today, and the results will be out in a week to confirm whether i have PCOS or not. diane 35 is basically an oral contraceptive pill, also used to treat acne. so i'm hoping if it doesn't work on my bloating, at least it will help clear up my skin. i still believe what i'm having is strictly hormonal, because for 24 years of my life i had beautiful skin, and all of a sudden in my adult life, i was hit hard with acne, bloating, and weight gain. even depression came back with a force.

i also took a test for thyroid, suspecting myself of having hypothyroidism. like i said, i'm willing to try anything at this point. perhaps my next step if diane 35 doesn't work is to try a food allergy test. there have also been suggestions online that i should try a low-carb diet.

pray with me, and pray for me that this works. i've been struggling with bloating for so long i've begun to lose self-confidence.

rainbow

2010-04-16T22:39:00.002+08:00

finding a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow - that's like finding something good beneath something beautiful. life, however, is not like that at all. i've been down, really down, hyper at some moments, but mostly down. i stopped taking herbalife due to my doctor's advice, so now losing weight is my own battle. own, but not only. there are plenty of battles to hopefully win, because if i don't, i may well lose my mind if it was there to begin with.

maybe i try too hard to justify many many things in my life, because i feel like i need to be heard. sometimes it's just so hard to swallow the bitter medicine, and move on and forget about the past. but when the past surely hurt, it continues to hurt. it's like holding a knife on the sharp edge when passing it to someone else - there's always a chance of accidentally cutting yourself. but you do so to protect others. and some of the people i love and have loved - i have loved and love madly.

i went to the gynecologist today to get my bloating checked out. i've been seeing a gastroentrologist for the past (almost) two years, to no avail. the bloating is getting so bad i tend to hide myself either in loose baggy clothing, or in my house. it makes me indecisive - one moment i'd feel like going out, the next my confidence gets a huge stab from the back. i look five months pregnant, and i cannot imagine what would happen if i really got pregnant one day. how will i look?

the gynecologist checked me with an ultrasound and confirmed that there are no fibroids or ovarian cysts. however, i may have a condition known as Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). we need to run a blood test on my second day of period to confirm. that may explain the weight gain, acne and several other symptoms i'm experiencing. however, i don't know how the bloating can be solved. i'm getting desperate, so please leave a comment or send me an e-mail if you have any suggestions.

it's a time of decisions, and i pray i'm making the right decisions and never to regret them later. i wish to live, not simply survive.

sometimes i get so tired of all these.

lost

2010-03-31T15:50:00.001+08:00

i've been on medications so long that i've become delusional. nothing seems to be enjoyable anymore. i'm trying to lose weight but i have no motivation. this feels crap. i feel down. i feel so down. i don't know what to do anymore.

broken dreams

2010-03-30T12:55:00.002+08:00

i blame you for stopping me from being a lawyer.
i blame you.
and it hurts.
it hurts so bad.

first herbalife shake

2010-03-28T20:32:00.003+08:00

First evening on Herbalife. I must admit, it tastes horrible. But I do hope it works in helping me shake off the excess weight, and that we'll have to wait and see. Six months of these shakes, and I surely hope they work on helping me lose and maintain my weight.

everyday is a struggle

2010-02-28T21:47:00.003+08:00

Everyday is a struggle.
A struggle to sleep.
A struggle to get up.
A struggle to breathe.
A struggle to live.

But I'm still alive today, and that must mean something.

The struggle must be worth it, somehow.

what do i say?

2010-02-25T01:32:00.004+08:00

What do I talk about, really. My mind's at a billion places at the same time. Today, after watching "Valentine's Day", I stepped out of the cinema and instantly it hit. It's hard to explain how it feels; it's sort of a high, but not in a good way. You feel stoned and nothing you do can unravel that knot in your stomach.

I sometimes ask myself why this disease chose me. But I stop myself before daring to wonder further because I know people who are suffering from worse things than I am. And yet people remain so strong. I just don't understand why this disease can be so demobilising. Some days I just want to crawl in bed and not do anything. The house is a mess; I haven't had the energy to clean it up. I hate it when it's messy, and it just aggravates the situation.

So what do I talk about, really? I go on and on about the same things that I've become so tired of who I am. I need to go out, meet new people, and yet I feel socially anxious around people at times. I'm a Libran, I love people. But nowadays I'm just afraid of people. What if they judge me? What if they think I'm too crazy? Or what if they think I'm too passive? Bipolar does that to you. Ups and downs. I'm literally driven crazy and up the wall with this stupid disease. And the fact that it's all in my mind makes it even harder for me to explain why I act the way I do.

But most of the time I'm just stoned. I choose to phase out when I feel like I'm not needed. Sometimes my brain just leaves me, says bye bye and doesn't even want to come back when I beckon. How is this doing any good to me? I simply do not know what to do. Are the medications working? Even if they aren't, I have to pretend that they do, just so people would stop worrying about me. I know two people who truly do. And I don't want to hurt them.

Life is easy... if I know how to live it. But I simply don't.

And on another note, I wish you Happy Chinese New Year and Happy Belated Valentine's Day!

explanation overdue

2010-02-09T12:34:00.002+08:00

Maybe I just want to tell a story. Maybe I'd be more comfortable naming this other person some other name, just for the story's sake. Let's call her Cindy. What happened to Cindy on New Year's Eve, some may ask. So here's what really happened.

Cindy wanted to be happy. Cindy desperately wanted to be happy. It was New Year's Eve after a horrible year, and she wanted to be happy. So she locked herself in the room and cried buckets, while thinking of what she could do to be happy. She saw the bottle of lithium lying next to her bed, and thought, "Well, maybe this is a miracle pill." See, you have to forgive Cindy; she can get delusional thanks to the disorder she suffers from. So she took a miracle pill wanting to feel better. When it didn't work, she got frustrated and swallowed more than half the bottle. It hit her quick; she instantly felt woozy and decided to lie down. She went in and out of consciousness, until the door opened and in came her fiance who made her throw up.

The next thing she remembered was when she arrived at the hospital. She could walk again, so she suspected she had vomited most of it anyway. But she stayed anyway, and got her stomach flushed out (which was a horrible experience), and subsequently sent to the psychiatric ward.

Many people thought Cindy tried to kill herself, but in a way, Cindy didn't. Cindy just wanted to feel better, but when she didn't, she thought death was the best way to solve everything. And then she sent messages to some close friends about her intention. Maybe because she didn't really want to die. Maybe she just wanted help. Maybe she just wanted to be understood.

But in the end, the only one who truly understands remains to be her shadow.

frustration

2010-02-04T18:00:00.003+08:00

frustrating frustrating frustrating. looking at old pics of myself and i realise how fat i've become. i don't even know who i am anymore when i look into the mirror and see my own reflection. i don't understand; how can someone just gain so much weight all of a sudden and can't shake it loose? i feel fat and horrible.

alone

2010-02-03T15:34:00.002+08:00

It's honestly starting to get a little boring staying at home. Sure, I may be working from home but the problem is that I don't get to go out and see things or people. I enjoy working from home, but I guess I can understand why some people prefer working out of home. If I have a friend around the house all the time, it may be different, but for now, I'm mainly alone at home most of the time while JJ goes out to work. So I hope to score a second job starting March. I'm starting slow, I don't think I can go back to the working world with a bang.

Inferiority complex is starting to get to me. I suffer from extremely low self-esteem these days, and it doesn't help that the medications make me put on weight. My acne has also gotten worse which makes my condition worse. I'm currently trying alcohol swabs on my acne; hopefully they'll work. Some say it's too harsh, but I have no choice because nothing else is working. I've even tried Accutane and although it helped clear my skin, it also made me depressed (though I can't directly blame Accutane since I've been suffering from depression since young). It probably triggered it, if anything.

I'm trying to get my lines down, but my memory has been affected by the medications and nowadays it takes me longer to get my lines down. It's also hard for me to remember the small little things, but I'm getting better these days so I'm staying positive.

I just wish I had a close friend to talk to sometimes. It's starting to feel lonely and it's extremely overwhelming. Besides JJ and my mum, I really have no one else to talk to. And since they have teaching jobs, I'm pretty much left alone while they go off to work. The TV and the Internet can only do so much. I think I really need another job, and soon, before I lose my mind. But then again, it worries me because I'm not sure if I can handle another job.

Why am I so indecisive? I wish I could stop being so negative about things. I need to buy some confidence. I wish they were up for sale online.

report: jan 30th 2010

2010-01-30T07:21:00.005+08:00

I want to believe that I'm on my way to recovery. Had a meeting with the psychiatrist on Thursday, and he wanted to know how I was feeling so I told him that I was feeling too "flat". He explained that I had perhaps finally reached a sense of normalcy (though normalcy may be overrated) but that I was reacting the way I was because I was so used to the ups and downs to consider that "normal".

So all in all, I'm finally normal. *claps*

But on a serious note, I was quite desperate to feel the way I used to, because I feel along with mania, for example, came creativity and anger and passion, and with depression came loneliness, sadness and guilt. I needed to feel all those to live; without them I felt like I was simply surviving and empty.

So he toggled with the medications a little, and hopefully I could feel a little on the "high" side. I don't know if it's working, but I did wake up yesterday feeling a little anxious and today I had need for less sleep (signs of mania). But I wouldn't call this mania at all, not even close to hypomania.

But what I do know is that I'm on my way to recovery. And this is probably one of the most positive moments in the history of my life. So why do I feel so empty?

I realise while browsing through Jobstreet.com yesterday that if I had to get a corporate job, the only corporate job that would make me happy was if I could be a lawyer. I abandoned my law plans when I hit depression, and now I'm thinking of going back. Money is of course, an issue, but I hope I could find a way to work things out. In the meantime, the best course of action for me is to stay home and work until I feel much better. So writing it is then. And I may start teaching again in March.

I wanted to do an overall report, so in the case of my bloating, I'm getting worse these days. I took a fiber drink last night and I hope it's going to work. In any case, I'm going to take on Herbalife which I've heard good reviews of. It'll also help in my weight management which is going out the window these days (the good news is I haven't been bulimic for at least a month now). Wish me luck!

subdued

2010-01-26T12:43:00.002+08:00

i've actually been pretty normal these days. not too hyper not too low. i don't know if it's a good feeling; i feel subdued. sometimes i wish i could go off medications, they somehow inhibit my creativity and memory. but i know disaster would happen if i did. i wonder if i could be properly cured, yet i appreciate the downs, because with the downs come the highs, and i haven't had any episode of real high since... i don't know, christmas? ever since then i've been riding on the middle line.

i'm not sure what to do. a part of me wants to be normal, but a part of me actually loves me for who i am, despite the highs and lows.

dreams

2010-01-22T23:39:00.003+08:00

Stomach's hurting, I think most likely due to aggravation or unbalance in acidity or something. It's gurgling, and I need food desperately. Pizza's slated to arrive in 45 minutes. But most importantly, I'm bloated again. Doesn't my stomach get tired of bloating everyday? How odd.

This series of illnesses have robbed me of my self-confidence and self-esteem. Recently, I am reduced to a person who's afraid of almost everything. I feel like I've fewer friends now, but it's great to know at least that the few friends I have left most likely love me for who I am. But then again I don't know. I can only dream.

Dreams hurt sometimes.

And then I wake up and it hurts even more.

superpowers

2010-01-22T00:47:00.001+08:00

If I could be blessed with ONE power, I would opt for the power to heal others and myself, physically and emotionally.

On another note, sometimes I truly believe I can fly. But then I'd be selfish.

90210

2010-01-19T16:24:00.003+08:00

I'm sitting here watching 90210 Season 2 and my mind is traveling a billion places. I started hearing voices again. It's a random knock or two, saying my name gently, behind closed doors. I open them and find nothing. Nothing.

I feel like tears do nothing for me anymore. I battle self-injury in a different way; so I get piercings. I find they help me immensely, and I don't care what people say.

But I do. I do. And I just feel all empty inside all the time. And the quietness all around me just disappear.

i can't...

2010-01-18T17:54:00.001+08:00

... live like this. one day i want something, the next i just don't want it anymore. one morning i wake up and i'm fine, the next i'm not.

i

can't

do

this

anymore

.

what is bipolar disorder?

2010-01-18T06:07:00.003+08:00

It might actually be time to consult my doctor again; this is my fourth sleepless night. I went to bed around 10ish, and slipped in and out of sleep, until I couldn't take it anymore and just woke up around 4 and haven't gone back to bed since then (it is now 6am).

Anyway, I've had some people asking me about bipolar disorder recently, and I would like to share some information about what bipolar disorder is, and some ways to cope (which, as my blog chronicles, I'm still learning). Taken off the US National Institute of Mental Health:

What is Bipolar Disorder?

Bipolar Disorder, also known as manic-depressive illness, is a serious medical illness that causes shifts in a person's mood, energy, and ability to function. Different from the normal ups and downs that everyone goes through, the symptoms of bipolar disorder are severe.

Signs & Symptoms

Bipolar disorder causes dramatic mood swings from overly "high" and/or irritable to sad and hopeless, and then back again, often with periods of normal mood in between. Severe changes in energy and behavior go along with these changes in mood. The periods of highs and lows are called episodes of mania and depression.

PERSONAL NOTE: There are many other signs and symptoms involved; if you think you suffer from bipolar disorder, kindly contact a trusted psychiatrist who can help diagnose you correctly. Also kindly note that the correct diagnosis may take time, even now my doctor is reluctant to place a name for my condition, although I am on medications for bipolar symptoms. Talk with your doctor, as sometimes it is best to treat the symptoms than a "disease" in particular when it comes to mental illness.

Treatment

Most people with bipolar disorder can achieve substantial stabilization of their mood swings and related symptoms over time with proper treatment. A strategy that combines medication and psychosocial treatment is optimal for managing the disorder over time.

PERSONAL NOTE: I personally think that several coping mechanisms help when it comes to bipolar disorder.

1) The "Ups" or mania
As this can be characterised from extreme changes such as being overly happy or easily agitated, breathing exercises may help. I still get irritated easily when I get manic, but I've learned to count from one to ten whenever I have those flares. I've also learned to ignore the "voices" and to get on with the programme whenever possible. Allowing myself to sometimes "indulge" in the manic phase sometimes makes me feel better (in a way, I find it an overcompensating mechanism for my depressive states); hence, piercings or shopping sprees make me feel better.
Keywords: Breathing exercises, counting before making a decision, ignore the voices; get used to them (they'd probably stick with you for life, I've been hearing them since I was young). Also, sometimes (WARNING: this is my own personal advice) indulge in your mania. It makes you feel good, though you may regret it the day after. But heck, at least you're kept happy for a while.

2) The "Lows" or depression
This is when I feel completely useless. I could lie in bed all day feeling unproductive and mellow. I've learned that when I am in my depressive state, talking always helps. It is when I can no longer talk about it that drives me to thinking about things like suicide. The truth is, I "attempted" suicide about 2-3 weeks ago on New Year's eve, and if anything, being in the psychiatric ward does not help either. So I've learned that when I am down, the best possible thing is to sometimes just let it ride through. Speak to someone you trust; I pick several close friends and there is of course my fiance.
Keywords: communication, communication, communication. If you don't feel like talking to people whom you think will not understand, pick the ones you know who will. Join an online support group. I am on dailystrength.org.

On another note, I "indulged" in a manic phase and allowed myself to get two new conch piercings.

P/s: ignore the slight goriness, this was taken right after the piercings were done. And already I'm thinking of getting another one. Which brings me to the topic of self-control (which I think I shall talk about in my next post).

black tinted glasses

2010-01-16T02:55:00.004+08:00

It's 2.56am and I can't sleep again. More and more sleepless nights to come; I foresee. I thought I'd just update the medications I'm currently on. If you have any questions I'd be free to answer them:

1) Zyprexa (I take 2.5mg once at night)
2) Lexapro (10mg once at night)
3) Rivotril (0.5mg once at night)
4) Aripiprazole, or as I learned is more popularly known as Abilify (5mg once at night)

These medications have been helping with subduing the voices in my head and the restlessness, but I still suffer from the occasional lows and sleeplessness.

So I thought today I'd write.

I have to say I'm not the most affectionate person around. Sometimes I am awkward when it comes to social situations; I'm not always bouncy and happy. And when it comes to the person I love (like my fiance), I just don't know how to show emotions. I can't tell everyone that I love him, in fact most times I tell people that he irritates me, or he makes me want to jump down a building (which is true at certain times), but the point is, I just don't know how to show emotions sometimes and it makes me feel dead inside when I'm not.

This is probably why I love acting so much. It allows me to release whatever I feel or able to feel without the fear of being judged.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bring me back to a time when life was happier, when I could see the world through black tinted glasses and still smile.

two wrongs don't make a right

2010-01-15T16:50:00.003+08:00

Okay, I must say it's easier to handle one disease at a time, but having a few attacking you at the same time is really difficult to handle. They say Irritable Bowel Syndrome might be related to the mind, but although I couldn't sleep well last night; I did get some sleep today and am feeling calm, but I can't say the same for my stomach though. It's been rumbling all day today, and I've gone to the bathroom at least seven times so far (I'll spare you the details).

Back when I had a flatter stomach, I used to love flaunting it. I still have this light blue top that shows off just the slightest of my tummy and my navel and I used to wear it when I went out a lot. Even with constipation, I often had a bout or two of diarrhea a week, so it helped balance out my stomach. But nowadays, my stomach is bloated from the day I wake up till night. Sometimes it gets worse in the evenings, the bulge on my lower abdomen sometimes makes people think I am five months pregnant. How awful!

On an unrelated note, I need some advice. You see, I have eight piercings on my ears, one on my navel, and I had one on my nose (which I took out and plan to get it re-pierced). Recently, I have this urge to get pierced and inked, and I'm sure it's not part of my manic condition. How do I urge my fiance that it is not, and it is really just a matter of my preference?

P/s: I realise people don't leave comments here, which actually makes me quite sad, but in any case if you want to talk (like, if you suffer from the same condition or just want a listening ear or want to bestow your wisdom upon me), I can be reached at razzberry@gmail.com.

sleeplessness

2010-01-15T03:35:00.003+08:00

It's 3.35am here and I can't sleep. I feel so frustrated sometimes I can't seem to explain how I feel. I told a friend today, "Sometimes I wish I was just plain depressed all the time". I know it's unfair to say it but seriously, I was depressed once a long time ago, without the manic episodes, and somehow that felt better. Like you can just lay in bed all day long without the need for justification, while bipolar disorder just kicks you in the ass. Up. Down. Up. Down.

Went to see the psychiatrist again today, Dr Y. He says that he sees change in me. Of course, I was feeling way better earlier. Practically hopped into his office and couldn't sit still. But for whatever reason, I got home, felt really down and just couldn't go for rehearsals. I just slept all the way through, and woke up feeling even worse. It's like a downward spiral, you can't seem to catch yourself before you know what you're going to do next. Scary, I know. But what can I do? Bind myself to the bed so I won't do anything at all?

Today I read that some people in other countries may benefit from disability funds due to bipolar disorder. Unfortunately, in Malaysia, this does not exist. You can be charged for attempted suicide. I hate saying this, but WHAT THE FUCK. I know it sounds unfair but I really wish I could just quit working and focus on getting better. But at the same time, working (especially acting) is what keeps me going. I feel like I could be a different person on stage - a happy one, a bubbly one, a NORMAL one.

Normalcy. Taking it one day at a time, is that normalcy? I thought normal people dare to dream big. Which I used to. What happened to that person I used to know? I feel like I was consumed by a big fat whale and now I have to grope my way in the darkness of its belly.

I just wish I could bring better awareness to suicide prevention and mental disorders.

Manic high!

2010-01-12T01:42:00.001+08:00

right now i'm riding on the high, and it feels good. i can't sleep, and i need to work work work. took my pills, but i actually love how i feel right now :).

light at the end of the tunnel

2010-01-11T13:58:00.003+08:00

I would use the word "demobilising". I have no idea if the word really exists, but depression (or bipolar disorder,) since the doctor now does not know what to name it, is truly demobilising. You see dirty dishes around the house; I should clean them but I can't. I've skipped two rehearsals so far and I NEVER skip rehearsals. You have so much you want to do, but you have to keep telling yourself "tomorrow". Because, somehow, you think that you'll be better tomorrow. Somehow I don't feel endless or hopeless. I'm very hopeful. That's probably the oddest thing about what I'm suffering from. Most people tell me that when they're depressed they feel like they just want to end their life - I on the other hand just want to feel better.

That was actually how I ended up with lithium overdose. I didn't want to die, I just wanted to feel better. And as sad as it sounds, people with mental disorders tend to be very delusional. I was deluded in thinking that a bunch of lithium pills could make me happier but they couldn't. So I thought, "what the heck, I might as well die". So even if I had the intention to die, it was very... last minute.

I want to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel, but seriously, don't we all?

Emotional journal:
Today I feel calm, tired, sick, yet excited for rehearsals tonight.

new doctor

2010-01-09T17:44:00.002+08:00

This is the fourth doctor I've been seeing. I hate trawling around the entire Malaysia trying to find a cure or at least treatment for this disorder that I'm suffering from. Dr Y (the new doctor) says it's not bipolar disorder, but he just says that it's a mood disorder, and it's most important to treat the symptoms instead of focusing on a name to give it. Many people have agreed; a name is just a name. But knowing what it is makes it easier for me to accept it.

I'm now given four different medications - two of which are mood stabilisers used for schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. I think he doesn't want to discount bipolar so soon. The bad news is that I feel extremely low in energy, and in many ways, apathetic. I don't seem to care much. What I need is to feel alive again, even if it means experiencing manic episodes where I sometimes hear voices, want to jump off the balcony, shop like mad, want to drink or dance all night long. But what reason could we have for my manic episodes if it's not bipolar disorder?

In any case, I'm taking a week to see how the medication interacts with my body. The bad news is that I've been skipping two rehearsals so far, and I NEVER skip rehearsals. I feel horrible, but like I said: apathetic. I just hope I'll feel better soon and I'll jump back onto the bandwagon. I'm doing alright, no worries. Suicidal thoughts are too far away (yes, I'm taking myself off the suicide watch). Right now I just want to feel alive. I miss my manic episodes. I haven't experienced them since New Year's eve.

promises

2010-01-04T19:13:00.003+08:00

When it feels so dark on the inside, and the walls always seem to outrun you, I grasp to what little belief I have left in myself, and I go from point to point trying to remain unharmed, and to not harm others. I know the consequences of my actions, and the knowledge that I will have to live with this for the rest of my life. Simple erasers cannot be used to erase these memories. They stain you and cling on to you like mud on a fresh pair of linens. The regret I wake up with seems to outweigh the guilt, and since I am already ridden up to the brim with guilt, everything seems so bleak and thirsty. And I am hungry for change.

What measure of desperation would one go to in order to fulfill one's promises?

I will not do it again...

But looking back, I cannot live with my hands bound and my feet tied up against my head with no air to breathe and little space to move.

I need to know it's all worth it in the end. That life, like death, could be so near it brushes through my feet, and I will be awakened to see it happen.

Through black sky and blue, I pray through and through.

my new year's resolutions

2010-01-03T23:43:00.004+08:00

I was discharged yesterday and got home yesterday, thanks to my very understanding family who really want the best for me. I will start treatment with a different doctor on Tuesday, and right now I am on a different set of medication (after overdosing on lithium). I am currently put on Lexapro, Epilim, Lorazepam, and Seroquel XR (although I'm still not able to find Seroquel XR, despite the doctor who prescribed it saying it's a common drug in Malaysia). A little research on Seroquel XR shows that it's a common drug used to treat patients with schizophrenia with high success rate in treating bipolar disorder.

However, medications aside, I have decided to come up with my own set of "treatment methods", which involve focusing on other matters at hand. JJ and I went through a really rough phase where we were both very angry at each other (I at his incapability to understand my pain, him at my foolishness, although after this episode he now knows why I do what I do), and I think we have emerged stronger as a couple and as a team. I say "team" because that's what I need in facing this threat: a strong support team.

After Thursday, I can no longer dare say that I have full control over my own disorder; it has shown to be stronger than I am. But like I said, the only way when you hit rock bottom is up, and I plan to do exactly just that: get up.

My New Year's resolution(s) are simple this year:
1) Stay alive
2) Get well and treated, no matter what it takes
3) Find coping mechanisms that work for me
4) Measure small accomplishments every day and make them count
5) Learn to love myself

Today, taking time to cut JJ's hair felt therapeutic to me. I must thank him for being my "guinea pig", but now I also know that focusing my energies on something helps take my mind off matters. I have also learned throughout the weekend that I should not let, even doctors, get me down by saying things like, "The bipolar condition that you have is extremely difficult to treat (I also peeked into the letter written by my doctor as reference to another doctor that I suffer from 'ultra rapid cycling bipolar disorder')" or "The visions you often have are just voices in your head". I will, however, focus on the positives of this disease, such as channeling my energies into my passions. It's hard to explain, but there is just this tremendous amount of energies flowing all the time, whether it's up or down, and it's overwhelming all the time. But finding the balance; that is the key. I just need to stay alive and keep pushing, and sooner or later I will find the way.

2010 and where i am

2010-01-02T08:59:00.005+08:00

I wouldn't want to reveal too much, but just enough to say that I am now in a psychiatric ward, and I hope to be released soon. My intentions and wishes are clear; although yes I did lose control and ended up here, but I really want to go home. There is no way to go when you hit rock bottom, except up. And I will go up again. I will be strong again. I just need a strong support group and a comfortable place to be in to grow. Not here. Keep me in your thoughts and prayers, and pray that I am able to leave this place soon, rather than not knowing when or indefinitely.

making marshmallows out of nothing

2009-12-31T01:23:00.004+08:00

There's something about the end of the year. Oh it feels like I've said this already, but who cares? I'm determined to write all the way until I'm better. I want to be cured. Screw anyone who says there's no cure. There must be. God must love us enough to want us all to be happy. That's maybe why I believe that we all go to a happy place when we die. I'm so delusional. Except delusion sometimes makes people happy.

Dream big. They've been showing this stupid tagline on Star World all month long. Oh yeah yeah American Idol. Changes your life. Seriously, how can anything change? How can I wake up one day feeling like I can change the world, and the next day I feel like I can't even help myself? And again, I feel like I've said this before. Again and again, round and round, around a mulberry bush I go. So let me sum it all up: I'm sad.

I'm sad because I've done absolutely nothing good this year. The truth is, I gave up so much to do law because I really want to be a lawyer. I want to be a lawyer because I sincerely believe I can change the justice system, enhance it, and fight for human rights. Malik Imtiaz is one of my inspirations. I believe God gave me the gift of eloquence and I should use it to my maximum potential. And I really really want to be a lawyer. And then my second year came, and it was time for exams. I had a severe panic attack. The month before the exams I was crying and vomiting and huddling in bed and under desks. I needed a safe place to hide. By my third paper, I simply broke down. I called my mum and literally begged her to allow me to quit. See, all my life I had been the perfect student, scoring on average straight A's, got myself into a local university and graduated with (although not a first class) but with an above average CGPA. But I'm tired. I was just so afraid. And I had to let my dream go. Would I regret not being a lawyer? Of course. I just hope the day will come when I regain my confidence to do it again.

Right now, I'm worried of going for auditions because I'm worried I'll have a panic attack. I am, however, working on a production, and I'm thrilled and excited to be on board.

But back to this past year. I feel like I had just let my life pass me by. 2008 was a great year for me. If I could I would relive it all over again. But I can't. And 2009 hurt me a great deal. Maybe all my life of downs was compensated in 2008 and I have to wait for another ten years for it to come by again. Can I be that patient? I told myself that by the time I'm fourty and have achieved nothing in my life, I would take my own life. It's probably the only thing I really have control over. Dare I let God take control and kill me anytime he wants to? I feel like by choosing my own death, I can at least prepare myself, say goodbye to the ones that I love, and spend the rest of my days happily before saying goodbye for real. Does it really sound that delusional?

Whatever it is, I have a family to think about, and a fiance who loves me and friends whom I think care for me, so I have to face the coming year with a fake smile on my face. No parties this year; I'm in a down phase. I'd like to be around people, but some of my favourite people are off to another country, and some other of my favourite people are spending New Year's eve in another state, and the leftovers have yet to come back to me on what they will be doing.

So you know what? I'm going to spend New Year's eve alone with my fiance. We'll order some pizza, watch TV and hold hands (we're staying celibate after two pregnancy scares; in which one I had to take a urine test in a hospital after I started excreting milk from my breasts which I later found out was due to an antidepressant I was under). Too much information? I'm sorry.

After obsessing over my nose piercing for so long, I decided to yank at it because I really believed I could magically "move" it to another position (thinking back I think I was on my manic phase). It led to severe bleeding and an infection. I went to a piercing parlour today (a different one from where I got it pierced because the previous one used a gun, and I was on my manic phase and simply threw caution into the wind despite knowing it was dangerous) and the piercer had to remove the piercing to allow it to heal, before I can re-pierce it again.

So, it's a horrible way to end the year. Not to mention that our bed broke, and now my fiance and I have to sleep on the floor, because we can't afford a new bed for at least the next month or so.

Sigh.

I just want 2010 to come already, so that I can be rid of this "end of the year" December feeling. I hope strength comes at the last minute as a sign that God exists. He must! He must! I need to know this so I can continue living.

I just thought I'd share what I wrote in December 2006:

Wake me up when December ends

Another year has passed us by...

I know what I was doing a year ago. December 2005: Sobbing into my mother's arms, I apologised repeatedly because of what happened; because of my stupidity, foolishness and trust for someone that has brought trouble to me - some form of trouble that has troubled my family as well.

I know how was it like a year ago. It took me almost a year to find the courage to finally spill the beans. I had expected yelling matches. I had expected disappointment from my parents' part. I had expected them to hate me and to disown me.

"You did nothing wrong," they'd said. "All you did was place your trust on someone who betrayed that trust."

I trusted the wrong person. But how was I to know? The guilt was too overwhelming, the hurt from being betrayed too much to bear.

You place your trust on this person just once. Just once. Just once but it was too much.

Most people would be glad for December. It is, after all, a month of celebration (Christmas) and sales (year end sales). But when I'm out shopping or staring at the display in Midvalley, I feel nothing. Zilch. Empty. I look out and I see people taking pictures with the trees and I feel nothing. I look around and I see people laughing, chatting, throwing their hair away from their faces and I feel nothing.

I feel nothing because the old me died in December. A new me was born in December 2004, and died the following year. A new me was born again in December last year. And every December, I feel like another part of me dies and another part is reborn.

But how many "rebirths" can a person have? How many more Decembers do I have to go through before I can finally pose and smile in front of the ornaments or even enjoy the sales as they are? How many more Decembers do I have to go through before I can finally forget the ordeal I went through? How many more Decembers do I have to go through before I can finally let go of the past? How many more Decembers do I have to go through before I can finally forget...?

I may have forgiven him for what he did, but I will never forget.

electroconvulsive therapy - a suggestion

2009-12-30T00:49:00.003+08:00

I'm starting to get desperate. What bums me most is the fact that one minute I can be breaking down, brimming with tears, and the next: I am completely fine. Today was my second appointment with the new psychiatrist, whom we shall call Dr J. I must honestly say that I feel much more comfortable with this new doctor, because he listens and doesn't seem judgmental. I think I cried at least seven times in the span of 45 minutes to an hour that we spent in his office. It really is painful. I had a rough evening yesterday, and I ended up crying and huddling up in the couch while talking to my fiance. Sometimes I just break down for no particular reason. The doctor says that it's normal for people with bipolar disorder to feel down with no particular trigger. Symptoms like irritability and anxiety are among the symptoms of the "down" phase.

It was the little things that got to me: my nose piercing not being in the right place, my imperfections (including the scars I got from self-mutilation), how everyone else seems so mature and confident while I seem to be falling apart. He explained that even the most mature of persons may feel down, and the down phase is simply more painful for people suffering from bipolar disorder, most likely due to the rapid cycling phase (the ups and downs in spurts of now and then, I'd say).

I started opening up. I became more honest. I told him the truth - I wanted to die. I felt like it seemed too easy to just let go and that I believed that if I died, I would go to a happy place where everything will seem fine again. I know it sounded absurd, it still does, but I really do believe that when I die, I will go to a happy place and all these pain will just... go away.

Perhaps my desperation gave it all away - I suppose it was a cry for help. Maybe I want help. I mean, I don't know (which is also a phrase he suggested I stopped using, maybe he thought I should acknowledge how I really felt to deal with it). But I really don't know. At one point or another, I feel like letting someone help me would make me feel better again. But sometimes, I worry about losing control. I need to get what little control I have of my life.

Dr J suggested a "quick fix" for my suicidal thoughts - electroconvulsive therapy. According to him, I would have to be hospitalised for two weeks while I undergo a series of four to six sessions of electroconvulsive shocks. These shocks will send signals to my body, I may experience seizure and memory loss. I might not recall incidences that happened the day before, or hours before. I may become disoriented, but he claims that the success rate is 100%. Of course, he said that there would be risks when it comes to anesthesia. My fiance wanted me admitted immediately, I think he was really worried for me. But I wanted to take some time to think about it; it is, after all, a decision that would mean I have to let someone else take control. He said, right before we left, that sometimes I should "let others take control". I think he's probably right. He also mentioned to JJ that he should monitor my medication intake just in case I decide to overdose on them. That actually put a smile on my face.

Anyway, I put some thought into what he said and did some research. Wikipedia's the most convenient place to obtain information and this is what I got:

"Electroconvulsive therapy (ECT), also known as electroshock, is a well-established, albeit controversial, psychiatric treatment in which seizures are electrically induced in anesthetized patients for therapeutic effect. Today, ECT is most often used as a treatment for severe major depression which has not responded to other treatment,[1] and is also used in the treatment of mania (often in bipolar disorder), catatonia and schizophrenia. It was first introduced in the 1930s[2] and gained widespread use as a form of treatment in the 1940s and 1950s; today, an estimated 1 million people worldwide receive ECT every year,[3] usually in a course of 6–12 treatments administered 2 or 3 times a week."

They also name cognitive deficits and memory loss as side effects of the therapy. And some famous names who have subscribed to this method of therapy include Judy Garland, Carrie Fisher (yes, yes it's Princess Leia), Paulo Coelho, Ernest Hemingway, Sylvia Plath, Vivien Leigh, Yves Saint-Laurent and Edie Sedgwick.

Given the long list of names of people who have undergone this form of therapy, I would personally consider it if the situation gets worse. The only sad truth is that I may not be capable of making that decision when I am at my lowest point. Dr J, did, however, mention that I could get admitted without going through the therapy in case I needed to be monitored. I would like to think that I still have little control over my mind, and with some motivation and strength, I pray that I will be able to get through, with or without medication.

As an update, I am now on Remeron, Lamictal, Lexapro, Rivotril, Xanax and I've just started on Lithium. I would update the dosages later, and will update accordingly on whether they work. If anyone is reading this at all, and especially if you're going through the same condition as I am, share with me your thoughts please. I feel so alone, and I don't want to be alone. There must be someone out there who knows what I'm feeling.

Until then, love to all. And goodnight. I certainly hope I would be able to get some sleep tonight.

addiction

2009-12-28T18:25:00.004+08:00

I'm sitting here after lunch/dinner and I feel like puking. I think it's wired in my brain that I need to, although logically my brain tells me I shouldn't. Breathing exercises help me control the urges, but I also know I should stay away from the bathroom, just in case I lose control. A lot of people think that we choose this, but more often than not, it is difficult to simply stop it. It's like an addiction, I need to do it to feel better. And I feel nauseous and jittery waiting for the wave to pass.

For some reason, I am feeling a little down today. When I am on the downs of my bipolar disorder, I sometimes feel like I don't want to do anything - I usually end up just lying in bed, waiting for the feeling to go away. The clock ticks ever so slowly, and time seems to pass by so slowly. But you know it's going to go away. The only question is when. And it's just so hard to wait. I think I'm just being impatient. That is how I ended up sleeping the entire day, waking up at 5pm and feeling a heavy pull in my heart. I want to know the medications are working, but there is no indication that it is. JJ says he notices some changes, but I hardly feel any changes at all. I still feel the same.

I've been having dreams that are violently sexually charged. I've yet to act out on them, I'm being celibate after all. But these dreams drive me crazy. I wake up, and they instantly disappear - the urges as well as the repressed feelings. I need to wake up and see the world as it is. That, however, is too painful to bear.

obsession

2009-12-27T18:54:00.003+08:00

It's funny how you tend to focus on the smaller problems in life when you have bigger issues. Like battling bipolar disorder. Or the fact that you're still fat despite eating much less.

Right now, I'm obsessing over my nose piercing. See, I finally remembered why it took me so long to get my nose pierced - I always thought my nose was ugly. The problem is, I still do, though. And with the nose stud in place, I look at photos and find that it exaggerates the shortness and roundness of my nose. I'm thinking of re-piercing it a little backwards so it doesn't appear too round. But then I start obsessing about the fact that I may not like the new placing, or what if it gets infected, or what if it migrates and ends up in the same spot as the old one.

I don't like obsessing over the small things, but it really feels significant. I mean, this is my face and I see it every day, and what little control I have over the way I look, I'm taking it, man! Right now I even feel like just walking to the bathroom and poking a new hole with my own needle. Rationality is sometimes thrown out the window. I actually wonder why I haven't actually done that.

My mood for today is just... difficult to explain. It's not high it's not low, it's just... somewhere in between. More on the upset part, actually. Although yesterday I did overreact when an argument ensued resulting in me jumping out of the car at a traffic light. I always feel like I need to run away. Between yesterday and today, I have thought of suicide at least five times. I want to just swallow some pills and get it over with.

i have nothing

2009-12-26T16:14:00.002+08:00

The end of the year bites me like a scorpion. It really stings, and hurts for days, if not weeks. I look back at past achievements, and often feel so small, like I've done nothing at all. I woke up this morning with a nightmare; I remembered something many others may have forgotten. December 2004, the day my car was stolen from me by a person I considered friend and trusted; the same day the Indian Ocean tsunami hit most of Indonesia, India, Sri Lanka and Thailand and several other countries including Malaysia. It was Boxing Day, the day after Christmas. Every year, I am reminded of this incident and I feel instantly down. While everyone else is celebrating around the world, there are people who are reminded of their lost loved ones, and are feeling sad around the world. How do we really move on?

The Christmas lights blink in front of my eyes. I see them clearly, even when I am not looking. The path of emptiness is one I have to travel alone. So maybe I can help what I think, but I can't help what I feel. But life has to go on, even if betrayal and hurt line my past and eat into my soul day after day. I have loved and lost. I have trusted friends and been hurt. But today, I am loved. Shouldn't I be thankful and just be happy? But why can't I?

It's raining outside and my stomach hurts like crazy. I woke up bloated again today, possibly from consuming a lot of food yesterday. There's not a day without bloating and it really gets to me. It may seem like a normal thing, but seriously, when my stomach is bloated I can sometimes look like I'm at least three months pregnant. It's really demotivating, and pulls me down, and everything I try on doesn't seem to help. I can't wear most of my clothes; either they don't fit or they make me look pregnant. I've been hiding them under loose and baggy clothes. The weight gain doesn't help too, really. I really can't wear at least 70% of the clothes in my closet and I feel so hopeless. I just want to be cured of everything. I want my bipolar disorder to go away so I can be happy and really enjoy Christmas and all the other days in the year. I want my weight to go away, so I can be thin and enjoy looking at myself again, and I don't have to resort to vomiting to be thin. I want my bloating to go away, so I can wear clothes that are tight around the tummy, or to be able to show off my cute belly button ring.

But God doesn't seem to listen. And I am beginning to feel impatient. So really, what do I do now?

christmas is here...

2009-12-25T02:27:00.003+08:00

Okay, so perhaps my last posting was a little uncalled for. We managed to clean up the house a bit, and decorated the front door, and everything is all good. My fiance and I went to my uncle's house last night (since it's already morning), and just got back about an hour ago. It was great fun singing Christmas songs. I love Christmas songs. And I love singing. So the combination of Christmas songs and singing them seem fun. Especially with lots of people.

It was also a time for our families to get together and get to know each other, so yeah we brought our parents (or rather, his dad and my mum) to get to know each other. There was a Christmas tree, lots of food, and cake. And I think I am rather on the high right now, which is probably why it would take me some effort to fall asleep.

Merry Christmas, everyone! And before you know it, it'll be New Year's!

rubbish, rubbish, all around

2009-12-24T15:59:00.003+08:00

I honestly hate it when people use my bipolar disorder as an excuse to not do something. I've been awake since earlier today, while my fiance JJ continued to sleep until almost 4pm. What irritates me is the fact that we have a tea time appointment at 4pm with his dad and his granny, and he's completely oblivious to the fact that: a) we might be late, b) we've yet to put up decorations for the party tomorrow, and c) the house is very unkempt, and not to mention we have a dinner with my family at 8pm tonight. The dishes are piling up in the sink, and I've to do them, sweep the floor, mop the floor, take out the trash, etc. There are worksheets all over the front table (his, not mine), and pizza boxes and medications (his, not mine) all over the dining table. And he's taking it so calmly. The fact that his dad is staying over tonight also means that it'll be harder to clean the house while he's around, and we should have the house clean by then.

But JJ just woke up, and went straight to take a shower, which means that the tasks fall completely on me. I hate domestication and the fact that the "woman" has to do all the chores of the house, even though the "woman" also has to work a day job. How is this fair?

And then he uses the excuse that I "do not live in the now". And to "live in the now", he was going to take a shower and figure out the cleaning up later. What rubbish! I mean, sure, I may be ridden with some sickness but that doesn't mean that I don't function like a normal human being. And normal human beings feel irritated too when their fiance decides to wake up so late in the evening (which is so abnormal) and then go on doing his normal business without caring about the house. I mean, WTF! At this point of time, I must officially say that I hate men. And sometimes I don't know why I officially put myself as a slave to any man - apparently commitment puts you through that. Sure, it's different if you have a husband/boyfriend/fiance who co-operates with you, but otherwise having such a relationship is too difficult.

So yeah, Christmas eve may be today, and Christmas may be tomorrow, but I'm not the most excited person in the world. Santa can leave me alone, thank you very much.

a second opinion

2009-12-24T02:43:00.002+08:00

Today, I went to see another psychiatrist to obtain a second opinion. He confirmed that it was definitely bipolar disorder; there was no doubt about it. But I must say, I feel more comfortable with this doctor, and he's willing to talk and listen, and even has a witty sense of humour, which I believe would be very helpful towards my condition. I have decided to stick with this new doctor, and will be seeing him again soon. I like his nonchalant way of looking at things. When I told him I was also bulimic, he nonchalantly said that it was okay as long as I didn't vomit my medications out. And then he went on to explain that the bulimia issue would have to be resolved after this bipolar disorder was better managed.

I liked the fact that my mother and fiance were both there to support me - two of the most important people of my pathetic life. I actually feel like I am someone when I am with them, otherwise I feel so small and useless. The doctor explained that people with bipolar disorder need better medication to control the lows, because when people with bipolar disorder experienced lows, they feel much much lower than people with unipolar depression. Bipolar is starting to sound much scarier, honestly. I was mainly just crying in his office, not being able to say anything or answer his questions. I felt like I was put in the witness stand, and really, thank God for JJ for answering all the doctor's questions.

He asked if I hear voices or experience psychosis, and he asked if I feel like I have magical powers while I'm on my highs. I guess I never really gave much thought to it - I usually don't realise much when I'm on my highs, but I realise now that whenever I opened my windows whenever I felt high, I sometimes believed that I could fly. I would have idealistic views like wanting to open a school, a cafe, a bakery, a blogshop, anything! But when the lows hit, I instantly crawl back into my comfort zone and feel lowly, as if I cannot do anything. It is self-demoralising, and very devastating. It's like constantly having a battle with my own self.

The medications have been increased, and he suggested adding on lithium to the combination. He gave three options, and told me to go home to think about them. I guess I'll have to make my decision, and he'll deliberate. I told the doctor I needed someone I could reach whenever I was feeling down - I needed someone reliable. He gave me his cellphone number and told me I could call him before 5pm every day, but even if it's after I could still send him a text message and he would reply me or call me the day after. It was reassuring.

I have faith that this time around, it will work. I've been battling this since I was 16, I really want to know that there is an end to this. I have read that there is no cure for bipolar disorder, but I am hopeful - I want to believe that I could at least live a more fulfilling life despite this disorder. I want to have more high days than the lows.

On another note, I changed my new nose piercing today and it started to bleed. I actually realise I enjoy the pain, because it makes me feel alive. I need to feel alive so badly sometimes, I would die for it. That's the irony of my life.

Until my next posting, I'll keep my fingers crossed that tomorrow will be a better day. If you are reading this, I would really appreciate it if you could keep me in your thoughts and prayers.

purging

2009-12-22T17:37:00.002+08:00

I forced myself to puke again today. Stuck my finger down my throat, and it felt really good after. I started off the day wanting to change, hoping that I could somehow hold it all in. But whenever I eat, I feel guilty for eating. I can't help how I feel.

Battling bulimia is not something new for me. It started when I was about 14 in secondary school. I had to take steroids to cure my asthma (which still bothers me till today), and my weight just ballooned uncontrollably. I discovered bulimia via the beauty of the internet. I was on Bolt.com (which is now dysfunctional) and found out that someone forced herself to vomit to lose weight and that it really worked. The best thing about it was that it was hard for people to notice what you were doing unless you told them. But back then, it was an occasional purge once in a while, anytime I felt too fat or if I felt like I ate too much.

The condition became worse when I was 19. I had just finished STPM, and the stress of waiting for the results killed me. I felt like a piece of Chipsmore cookie in a cup of milk, just melting away with few trace of ever being. That was the way my body worked too. I would vomit after every meal, until one day I weighed myself and realised I was a bare 33kgs at the height of 153cms. I knew I needed help. Together with my troubled mind at the time (the stress of waiting for my STPM results made me depressed), I had to see a psychiatrist who told me, like everyone else, that forcing myself to puke was wrong. But how do I tell myself that it is wrong when it feels so right?

Being bulimic to me is no big deal, really. I would occasionally throw up when I feel like I've overeaten, but I haven't been doing it for a long, long time until recently. I recently put on 14kgs in one year, and started going into a downward spiral (which was also due to my law degree pursuit that ended with me going into depression mode). About a week ago, I just decided I would throw up to try to lose some weight. But once I started, I couldn't stop. I made a mistake my mentioning it to me fiance and mother on Sunday, because now I feel paranoid that they will try to stop me. A part of me, though, wants to stop. But today I just couldn't help it. I had eaten a lot of pizza and dessert and the best way was to purge my body of them. It seemed so easy to just puke these days, sometimes I don't even have to put my fingers in my throat. It feels like second nature sometimes.

A part of me knows that I am wrong, but I hate making excuses for myself and I am guilty as charged. I feel fat whenever I look at myself in the mirror, and I see my arms as being huge tree trunks and watching the TV or going out make me feel horrible. I look around and everywhere I see thin people, who seem so happy. I am just plain slouchy, fat and ugly. Some people say otherwise, but how can I help how I feel? This is what I see, and that's the end of the story.

I am willing to try other methods to rid myself of this fat, but how much do I need to lose to feel okay again? And what if I'll never feel okay? I am so worried about the future, I feel like I'm losing grip sometimes. I don't need help or reassurance. I need someone to look at me and say, "You are so fat you deserve to die."

Right now, I am feeling faint. I feel weak everytime after I force myself to puke. I'd feel dizzy sometimes, and I'd just go lie down. I sleep more because I feel more tired, and the antidepressants don't help, at least not in convincing me that I will be okay, even if I were fat.

I just long for the day when I could be thin again, and then I can stop this bullshit of a habit.

holding it in

2009-12-22T00:51:00.000+08:00

I know this isn't much of a start or an introduction, but I suppose I'll start off by explaining a little about this blog. I want to write about the conditions I am forced to live with. I call them the three B's - bipolar disorder, bulimia, and bloating (or Irritable Bowel Syndrome).

Today's post is about the bipolar disorder I have to live with. It's now 12.53am, and the past two days have been eventful. You see, I never asked for bipolar disorder to happen to me; I was chosen instead. All my life, it has been my constant companion.

I don't want to start at the very beginning, but I will write as I go along, and see where this takes me. I want people to know more about my condition, and how it affects me and the people around me, especially the ones I love.

The most recent attack happened on Sunday. On Sunday, I woke up feeling low. I tried to shrug the feeling away but I just couldn't. See, the funny thing is, even as I'm writing this, I have somehow blocked off the memory of the events that have taken place. I simply cannot remember. I have to really squeeze my memory to try to remember the sequence of events. So I woke up on Sunday and felt really low. This is the kind of low one feels when feeling squeamish and sick in the guts. To avoid feeling horrible, I tried to put my mind off things by working. I thought that if I cleaned the house, I would be able to put the feeling aside. But I couldn't. I cried in the arms of my fiance, JJ, but what really ticked me off was the moment when I complained about my weight, he said, "You are not gaining weight. You are a constant 54 (kg)."

God knows what happened next but something like a time bomb just went off. I kicked him hard and a struggle ensued. I wanted to open the door to the balcony and jump off but he tried to stop me. That made me even madder. He said, "Grow up. Stop having all these fits". That really upset me even more. I knew I had to get away, and I locked myself in the room.

Suddenly it felt as if I could make a rational decision. I called my friend and told her to pick me up so I could check myself into the hospital. I thought a few days away would fix things or make me feel better. Then she came, and I was reluctant of staying away. But I went to the hospital anyway with the hopes of seeing my psychiatrist. They couldn't summon him, and I didn't feel like going home. The thought of seeing JJ repulsed me. It made me sick to the stomach. I was hurt and didn't want to face him.

We went to watch a play instead, and I went home, thinking I would just ignore him. But he didn't leave me alone and asked me a whole bunch of questions instead. So I lost it, and blurted it all out. "I have been throwing up for an entire week everytime after I ate", "I hate you, and I feel sick when I see you", "You disgust me". I ran out the door and my mum called. A lengthy conversation didn't make me feel better, it just made me feel worse. A friend came to my rescue, and we sat in his car for hours just talking. I felt better, but this wasn't the first time I felt that way. It would come and go, come and go, without my control. This was something I have very little control of.

Everyone says we go through ups and downs every now and then, but it is hard to explain to people what I feel. I don't control the ups or downs, they come as they like and go as they like. I could wake up one morning feeling numb, then feeling ecstatic, then going from happy to sad like there's a switch in my head. I would do things one day, and wake up the next day feeling regretful over what I've done. I had my nose pierced three weeks ago during a bout of high; I knew getting a piercing with a gun was dangerous, but I did it anyway. I couldn't rationalise when I am riding on my high, or even on my low. I have thought of suicide, swallowing pills just to make it all go away. I would think that if I died, I would go someplace else where everyone is happy. But who am I kidding? Soon after, the door opens and I have to face the world again. I have tried to look for others like me out there, but I have yet to know another (at least not very well). I have looked up "support groups" online, but all I read is about people who have to give up their jobs and lives to deal with this condition. This is not what I want for myself.

I know famous people like Vincent van Gogh and Virginia Woolf lived with it, and created beautiful works. But let's look at Vincent; he cut off his own ear and sent it to his lover, and Virginia; she drowned herself to death by putting pebbles in her pockets. I don't want to end up like either of them, even if it meant I would produce great works in my life (which, due to my low self confidence, I doubt every day). I need people to know that there are people like me in this world, and we try everyday to be happy but it's just harder. Believe me, if we had a choice, we would want to be happy.

Perhaps it is not sympathy that we want. This is not self-pity. I simply want people to understand that sometimes, I really don't have a choice. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night crying and I cannot understand why. I only know one thing's for sure: I have to live with it, or die with it. I want to be cured, and I'm hoping that this blog will chronicle my conquering of this disease, and if I will never be fully cured, I hope that people like me are able to read this blog and understand themselves better, and for people who love them to try to know what they are facing. Perhaps all I hope from this is some awareness. I am hopeful; I want to be cured, and I want to write (hopefully) every day until I finally am able to be cured of this condition.

I want to be hopeful. I want to live. Today, I managed to hold in food for the first time in at least one week. I ate a meal and naturally instincts kicked in to throw up, but with support from JJ, I managed to sit down, sip a little water, while telling myself not to. It's not easy, everyday's a struggle, but I know I will try. As you can see, today's note ends on a high, but I dare not say the same for tomorrow. But I will just be hopeful.

Goodnight, world. And I hope that if you read this and know someone living with bipolar disorder or bulimia, give your loved one/friend/family member a hug, because they really need it. More than anything, they need your patience and understanding and love.

Love,
Sharon